Chickens in the Headlights

I just finished reading the funniest books! Well okay, I've read the first one before. Chickens in the Headlights, by Matthew Buckley, is a book about a family with 7 boys under the age of 11. SEVEN! Can you imagine? This book has me laughing from page one. At one point in the book I usually laugh so hard that Josh has to remind me to breathe. Here is just an excerpt to get everyone interested:
Dad opened the side door of the van and then began to give each one of us our assignments.
"I'll go inside," he said. "Simon, you stand here by the door and shoo them toward the van. Peter, Matthew, you stand here and here and make sure they stay in single file between the two of you. John, you stand here by the van and lift them up if there are any that can't jump that high."
His plan seemed rational and logical. I pictured Dad shooing the chickens out one by one. They would head straight out of the pen in single fine, and Simon would point them toward the van. The chickens would march between Peter and myself, and then either jump in the van or wait to be helped by John. Perfect.
The part that follows is where I just can't stop laughing. I guess I can visualize it so well because Josh's family has chickens and I can just picture this plan in action.
The 2nd book is Bullies in the Headlights, by Matthew Buckley, and it is just as funny.
We were a pretty special class because we had nine kids, seven of us boys. We were so special that for a while, before Brother Winston came, it seemed that everybody wanted to be our teacher. They took turns coming to our class, and it seemed like we had a new teacher every two weeks. I guess everybody wanted a turn to teach us. Or maybe they were auditioning teachers to see who was the best.
Then one day, in walked Brother Winston. He had an open bag of licorice in one hand. We had been bribed with candy before, and it often made some of the kids go crazy with anticipation.
As soon as all the kids saw the candy, their questions and comments started to fly.
"How many pieces does everybody get?"
"I hope it's not black licorice, because that tastes like the diarrhea medicine."
"I will need an extra piece for my brother, 'cause he cries when I get candy and he doesn't."
Ralph, who was sitting next to me, raised his hand and then lowered it, forgetting what he was going to say.
Brother Winston sat there staring at us until everybody had his or her say. Then he leaned back in his chair and said, "Listen up, I'm only going to say this once."
There was something in his voice. It wasn't threatening--in fact it was a bit raspy--but it had a commanding tone. You had to pay attention.
"We're going to have a discussion on--" He paused, looking at his manual, and then continued. "We're going to have a discussion on baptism. I'm going to lead the discussion, and you're going to participate in an orderly fashion."
Ralph raised his hand again but Brother Winston ignored it.
"If the discussion gets out of hand, I'm going to stop. I'll be bored, and so I will probably start eating this bag of licorice. If--" He paused so that we could all understand that there was a condition coming up. "If there is enough licorice at the end of the lesson for everybody to have a piece, then I will share. If there isn't, then you will get nothing. Am I understood?"
We all nodded our heads. And then everybody started talking at once.
"But what flavor is the licorice? If it's black, I don't want any anyway..."
"How fast can you eat licorice? Will you be eating it really quick or just sucking it?"
"How many have you got in there to begin with?"
"My dad can eat a whole watermelon. And he spits the seeds at our cat."
Brother Winston casually sat back, pulled out a plump piece of red licorice, and started to eat.
Within four seconds it was dead silent in the room. After a moment, Brother Winston put the licorice down and began the lesson.
He'd been our teacher ever since.
These books really are a must read! They are hilarious, but they also have a good message in them.