My Tribute to Anthony

My heart is heavy. 

This weekend, my cousin passed away in a car wreck. He would have turned 23 next month. 

Truthfully, we weren't close. But that's part of the reason I can't understand why it hurts so much.

He was so young. He was an amazing man.

Each time the tears start to spill, I focus on my thoughts, to understand my pain. 

I've realized a few things.

I mourn for the loss of life. So many things he'll never get to experience.

I mourn because he was family. I was saddened a few weeks ago when a young man in our community was killed. But this time, its a million times worse. He was family. Closeness or not, that makes it harder to comprehend.

But most of all, I mourn for his family. His parents. I can't even imagine the pain of loosing one of your children. One moment, everything is fine. The next moment, you receive that phone call that no parent should ever receive.

I mourn for his siblings; one brother and three sisters. Just thinking of them trying to pick up the pieces and move on... I loose it. Not only did they loose a brother, but they lost an uncle to their children. They lost a best friend.

I keep thinking of the right words to take away their pain. Only to realize, those words don't exist. Here is the best I can come up with.

I wish I could tell you that the pain will go away. But I think that would imply that you would forget the pain and therefore, forget the love also. But someday, the pain won't hurt as much. Hopefully, someday you will be able to think of Anthony and smile and only have a small tear escape your eye. Someday, the pain will lessen enough that you'll feel like you can breathe again.

Its okay to take time to mourn. But remember that death is only final for the dead. The living are the ones that are left behind. Step by step, you will find a way to move on. Anthony will always be in your hearts. One day, you will realize its okay to move on. 

Its okay to ask for help. When I reached my lowest point, I was on the brink of hurting myself, or worse. I thought that if I sought professional health, it meant I was too weak. I thought I should be strong enough to do it on my own and others would think less of me if I couldn't. I was wrong. I think in the end, I never would have taken that final step to end my pain, but reaching out for help was one of the best things I ever did. 

Please remember you are not alone. God loves you. Over the last few days, I have felt that so much. I think that is why I have cried so much. Your pain is His pain. I know that is this all a part of His bigger plan. He knew it would hurt, but He is there for you. 

Hello World

"Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world"

One of my New Years Resolutions is to try to find more joy in everyday life. Infertility has held me prisoner for too long. I became so caught up in my infertility that I lost everything else about me. Now I slowly feel like I am rediscovering myself. I can't be a mom, but I can still be other things.

I am a wife.

I am an aunt.

I am a mom to too many cats.

I am a friend.

I am a crafter.

I am a somewhat good cook.

I am a wanna be amateur photographer.

I am a over zealous blogger.

I am someone who enjoys good company.

I am someone who enjoys reading.

I am someone who enjoys girls nights.

I am someone who loves learning new things.

I am a child of God.

I think I still have a ways to go before I feel complete and content with the life I have, but I'm enjoying my journey as I look for other ways to enjoy life.

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls

Top video screams at me through my tinted windows I see

A little girl, rust red minivan

She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands

And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

Broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little hole, and a little girl

Well hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church

Its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

Maybe I should stop in and say a prayer

Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what livings for and I hear my life

through my front door

And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl

Hello world, hello world

All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here

Just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world, hello world

Hello world

(Lady Antebellum "Hello world" lyrics found on http://www.songlyrics.com/)

We will miss you Baby

Sometimes things don't go well. Sometimes you do all you can, but the miracle you pray for doesn't happen. Sometimes life sucks. We will miss you Baby.

Because he loves me

My husband is the greatest. I can do anything with him by my side. He is my strength and my everything. I would be lost without him.

I love you babe.

Formspring question answered - What would you say?

do you know/know of, the new parents? if you could what would you like to say to/ask them?

This question kept me up all night.

I had a few journal entries where I had copied things that C wrote on her myspace and in emails she wrote us about how much she loves her baby. I would want to them know those things just to make sure they know how much she loves the life she carries.

C is amazing, please love her for the wonderful person she is. Open adoption seemed very important to her, please make sure you keep contact after placement. Try to get in lots of visits so she can see her baby and be sure to send her lots of pictures. Please love her and watch out over her and pray for her. I still love her so much...

I'm not sure how I would end it though. Its been hard to accept why she chose someone else, but I try to remind myself that this couple also suffers from infertility and I feel compassionate towards them. Infertility is so hard, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even them. And really, how can I even think to blame them for my grief. I don't blame C either. Most days I blame God. Why did we meet someone so wonderful and get to have the hope of being parents only to have it taken away. I ask a lot of why's to God these days....

I also try to remember that God's hand is in the creation of all families and her choosing them has probably felt like a miracle in their lives.Now I'm just back to waiting for a miracle of our own.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

Formspring question answered - How are you really doing?

How are you really doing since your failed match?

Some days are good and some days are bad. I'm learning what triggers the bad days and trying to avoid those things.

Its tough thinking that after so many years of trying and so many years of waiting you are going to finally be a mom, only to learn that you have to go back to the waiting.

There is only a few people I will talk to with complete honesty about how I am doing. They are all part of the adoption world and I know they will understand my feelings and not judge me. The most honest answer I can give you is, life is pretty tough right now, but I'm doing my best to deal with my grief. If you think I'm completely happy, look deeper, there is still so much pain.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

Formspring Question answered - What went wrong?

I am wondering, now that perhaps you have a bit of perspective (?)- what do you think went wrong with your match?

I don't know that anything went wrong. Sometimes things just don't work out. Both her and her mom sent a message afterwards that I'm sure was meant to offer comfort, but I guess when your heart is breaking, its hard to see the comfort.

When we decide to start looking again and if we ever get lucky enough to meet someone again, I really don't know what to do differently. We really had no idea she was having second thoughts.

Mostly I question God. Why did we meet her? Why did things feel so right only to end this way? Why wasn't it meant to be? What did we do wrong? Maybe this is a question I can't answer....

Unchosen

There are no words for the grief we are going through right now. But since people ask questions and I only want to talk about it once, here is some of the details.

She met someone else.

She feel in love with someone else.

We are left with a lot of questions and not many answers.

I will be taking a break from blogging (maybe even the entire internet world). Already I have gone through all the stages of grief and I'm afraid if I blog during the angry part, I will say things I regret.

I still love her, I think I always will. When women find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy, 50% of them choose abortion, 49% choose to single parent and 1% will put their child before themselves and make an adoption plan. When we started the process we were told that girls in their teens wouldn't even think about adoption. She is already fighting agianst all those odds so even though I am hurt and upset, I can't hate her.

Comment moderation is still on. Please don't say anything mean. Placing her little girl for adoption will be the hardest decision she will ever make. We know she loves her child more than anything and that is all that matters.

We don't know what we will do now, so please don't ask. I am reliving all of my worst infertility moments and just don't want to think about the future right now.