Valex's 1st Day of School

I can't even express how excited I was when Vanessa asked me if I would like to go with her to drop Valex off for his first day of school. Its one of those moments I thought I would never get to experience because of my infertility. But she must be able to see inside my heart. I can't even thank her enough for inviting me along. 

She only lives a few blocks away, so we decided to walk. Unfortunately, Valex had been sick with a stomach bug the night before, so he wasn't very excited.

When it was time to leave, I'm not sure who was more heartbroken, him or his mom. As we walked back to the house, she told me that if he had a bad day she didn't know if she would be able to make him go again.

Luckily for both of them, he loved it.

But it also wore him out. This was how he crashed on the couch shortly after they got home.

I was also lucky enough that I got to pick him up the next day. I had an appointment right after, so basically I was just his ride from school to day care. 

The day before, when we were trying to get him excited for school I had told him, "Valex, you're going to have so much fun. You'll learn how to read at school!" So when I picked him up the next day, I asked how his day was and if he learned anything new. He thought for a second and then looked at me and said (in a serious voice), "well, I didn't learn to READ." I laughed and told him it would probably take a few weeks.

22. A song that makes you cry (or nearly and why).

Its been a while since a song made me cry so I'll go with the last 2 songs I can remember crying to.

"Need You Now," by Lady Antebellum http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg. The 1st time we met C, this song was playing on the radio when we left her house. Josh said that he was going to make this her song. Weird, I know. I told him a breakup song couldn't be her song. But he said it was also on the radio when we left our house to head out to meet her so it would always remind him of her. Lets just say, the first time I heard this song after being unchosen, I lost it.

The other song that makes me cry is "Hello World" by Lady Antebellum, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=al2DFQEZl4M . (Kind of gives you an idea how much I love these guys! But SheDaisy is still my favorite group.) I've heard the song before, but for some reason it really shot out to me at the beginning of this year. I was tired of being depressed all the time and it seemed like a wake up call to open my eyes and heart and enjoy everything around me. When I life starts to get me down, I listen to this song.

Savannah's Day con't

Mother's Day is such a struggle for me, that is why we try to put a positive spin on it and call it Savannah's Day instead. In the worst of years, I just want to be ignored. I want the day to just pass like it never happened. But then other years, I get a little perturbed when I'm ignored. I know, I can only blame myself for these feelings. 

This year was... okay. Josh did an amazing job of making me feel loved. (I think he's just trying to butter me up so I get him something good for Josh's Day.) I guess that I have burned enough people in the past, that they now ignore me. Again, that is my own fault. And its okay, for the most part. Its hard to explain. I don't want peoples pathetic sympathy. I don't want to hear the empty promises of "someday". It also really doesn't help when mothers tell me that they don't like Mother's Day and list the reasons why. (I really can't stress that enough! Infertile people do NOT like hearing you say why they are so lucky to not be moms because of all the stress it causes in your lives. Please, don't bring that up. It hurts. And upsets us. And makes us think about stealing your babies since you complain about them, even if its just an attempt to make us feel better.)

What does help is friends that acknowledge me by showing they love me for who I am. The day after Mother's Day I went to the movies with the ECC's. Kim gave me a card that showed this Willow Tree figurine. She wanted to get it for me, but hadn't been able to find it yet. I told her she didn't have to do that for me, but she did anyways. I love it. Its my first Willow Tree figurine and its perfect. 

14. Something that really bugs you / bust an infertility myth

I've been thinking about what bugs me for a few days, and I haven't come up with much. But then I decided to take the RESOLVE challenge to blog about an infertility myth and I figured out what does bug me. So here is my blog post I did on my infertility blog for the RESOLVE challenge. If you've already read this on my infertility blog, keep reading, I added one more thing that bugs me at the end of this post.

It is National Infertility Week and RESOLVE has challenged bloggers to blog about an infertility myth. The goal behind this challenge is to help bring infertility bloggers together and to also help others learn about infertility.

I have faced many of those myths head on over the years.

"Just relax."

"You're still young."

"Just adopt."

"Just try again."

Each of those statements (along with countless others) don't actually help someone with infertility. You can't just relax and suddenly your pregnant. You can't just adopt, its not like going to the store.

But right now the myth I struggle with the most is when people imply that we are not a family if we don't have kids.

Ten years ago, on February 9, 2001, my husband and I were married for time & eternity in the Jordan River Temple. When we went there that morning, we were just two people with no lasting connection. But after that, we were husband and wife. We were officially a family. A family starts the second you are declared man and wife. It doesn't wait to start until you are pregnant. It doesn't wait and start when you hear the first heartbeat. It doesn't wait and start when your first child is born. Josh and I have been a family for 10 years. Not having children doesn't make us less of a family. We are just as much a family as anyone else, whether they have one child or twelve.

Which leads to another myth, our lives aren't complete and happy, unless we become parents.

We've always been happy, even during our struggles. But this last year has been one of the best years of our marriage. Our lives are complete. Our lives do have meaning. We aren't empty shells because we don't have children. We still enjoy things. We still have a life.

My new favorite scripture is 2 Nephi 2:25. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

It doesn't say, men have children so they can have joy. Just simply, "men are they they might have joy."

Its okay if we choose to be happy while living a childfree life. That doesn't make us selfish. We are not forced to sit home in tears that we aren't parents. We are allowed to find new meaning in life. To experience other things.

I don't like it when people imply I have "yet" to start my family. Josh is my family. I also don't appreciate when people act like we are missing out on the world. We have a very rich and full life. I have nothing to complain about. Josh makes me happy. He completes me. If he is the only member of my family, that is okay. I find joy in that.

To learn more about RESOLVE visit HERE.

To learn more about National Inferility Awareness Week visit HERE.

I thought of another thing that bugs me, adoption as portrayed on TV. Glee, Season 1, is available on instant Netflix. It didn't take long for both Josh and I to get hooked. When Quinn decided to make an adoption plan, I was excited. "Yay, TV is going to show adoption." But then it happened and I was so mad. She goes through struggles during her pregnancy with family and friends. But in the end, they all seem to make up just as she goes into labor. (Which I was happy to see her have support in the end.) They show her having the baby. Then they show her and the father watching the baby through the nursery window. Then they show Quinn, back at school like nothing had happened! I wanted to scream at the TV, "She just placed her baby! She just lost a piece of her heart! How can you show her going on like nothing happened?" I know its just a show, but my heart was breaking for her.

12. Last time you cried

I started this post on Friday. I should have finished it.

Its quite refreshing to say, I can't remember. In the thick of infertility, I would have said something like "last night", "yesterday", or "this weekend". But right now I am in a healthy place where I don't let every little thing send me into a pool of tears.


I recently cried when a friend lost a baby. I recently cried when a friend saw yet another negative pregnancy test. Because I have cried so much over my own struggle, I can now cry with those who face the same kind of situations.


I'm sure I'll end up crying again someday, for my own situation, but I'm glad that for now, I've been able to get my life back on track and move on.

If I had published it then, it would have ended here. I was proud of myself and how far I have come so that I'm not constantly in tears.

But then I decided to sit on it for a few days and see if I wanted to add anything.

And then yesterday, was one of THOSE days. I lost it. I had to sneak out of Relief Society and hide in the bathroom because I couldn't hold it together anymore. Then I cried on the way home.

Then I learned that my mind is too creative, and I had no reason to cry, but that didn't stop me. By then I was so worked up that I burst into tears the throughout rest of the day. It all ended last night when I let it all out.

It was so stupid, because I thought I was crying over something I had missed. About an hour later, I learned it wasn't true, but by then I had myself so worked up, that I couldn't let it go until I had a full out melt down about it. But I wouldn't let myself do that, because I had no valid reason to be upset. It was like crying over spilled milk, only there was no spilled milk.

Finally that evening, I just let it come. The entire time I was crying, I told myself how I was wrong. How it never really happened, so I really had no reason to cry over it.

But I had to cry because it reminded me of how our infertility will never go away. I will always have small crisis' like this one. I will always be the odd woman out because I can't have children.

Here's to hoping that doesn't happen again for a very long time. Easter has not gone well for me the last few years, I think next year I will just skip it.

Hello World

"Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world"

One of my New Years Resolutions is to try to find more joy in everyday life. Infertility has held me prisoner for too long. I became so caught up in my infertility that I lost everything else about me. Now I slowly feel like I am rediscovering myself. I can't be a mom, but I can still be other things.

I am a wife.

I am an aunt.

I am a mom to too many cats.

I am a friend.

I am a crafter.

I am a somewhat good cook.

I am a wanna be amateur photographer.

I am a over zealous blogger.

I am someone who enjoys good company.

I am someone who enjoys reading.

I am someone who enjoys girls nights.

I am someone who loves learning new things.

I am a child of God.

I think I still have a ways to go before I feel complete and content with the life I have, but I'm enjoying my journey as I look for other ways to enjoy life.

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls

Top video screams at me through my tinted windows I see

A little girl, rust red minivan

She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands

And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

Broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little hole, and a little girl

Well hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church

Its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

Maybe I should stop in and say a prayer

Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what livings for and I hear my life

through my front door

And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl

Hello world, hello world

All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here

Just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world, hello world

Hello world

(Lady Antebellum "Hello world" lyrics found on http://www.songlyrics.com/)

PCOS Sisters

My very best friends in the whole world and I share something in common, we have PCOS. Because we have PCOS we all have to fight infertility to try to have a family. It is so hard dealing with infertility. One of the hardest things (at least for me) was feeling so alone. But these dear friends have made it easier because we all know what its like to dream of babies, hope for babies and loose babies.

Over the last year I have been able to form an amazing relationship with this ladies. We do EVERYTHING together. Trips to the city, lunch dates, cake classes, craft nights, we even pick up our Bountiful Baskets together. I have also stayed overnight with them just so we can go to the late show of "Eclisple". Besides my wonderufl husband, everything happy in my life is because of them. I would be lost without them in my life.

We frequently talk about even more we can do together. We talk about weekend getaways to spas, cruises and starting a local infertility group. Our friendship means the world to me. I know they are always there for me to listen to me whine and cry. I know they are there because I am always there for them.

One of the things we have talked about is our own take on a BFF necklace, but PCOS style. Kim was sweet enough to custom make some charm bracelets for us. I think we were all excited to get one last night. We hope to add charms as we do different things together.

Formspring Question Answered - How many kids do you want?

How many children would you have if it were up to you? What does Josh think?

I've been sitting on this question for a few weeks now.

We are in near agreement about our family size. We both want at least 2 kids, but some days I think I might want 3 kids. The factor in my wavering decision is, I want at least 1 boy and 1 girl. So if we had just 2 boys I would want to try once more for a girl. But I would stop at 3, even if they were all the same gender.

Another thing we agree on is, we want some space between each child so we can enjoy each age to the fullest. Our agency will let us renew our profile when the youngest child turns 1, but I think we will wait until they are at least 2, maybe even 3.

I guess the reason I haven't answered this question yet is because all plans of children are on hold for now. We are still in mourning and our hearts feel no where healed enough to put ourselves back out there. Right now we are focusing our lives on it just being the two of us. And right now, I am okay with that.

---
Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

Mother's Day 2010

It was a Mother's Day of very mixed emotions for me. (Maybe I'll blog more about that on my infertility blog later this week.) The best part of the day was just being with Josh. He is so wonderful and so good too me. Every day I am reminded how lucky I am to have him in my life. This year he decided to get me a gift for Mother's Day. I usually avoid this holiday, but I'm glad he thought I deserved some love this year.

I think he found the perfect card. On the outside it says:

My wife, my friend, my love.

You mean so much to me.

On the inside it says:

"Companions and confidants,

husband and wife,

best friends and lovers,

true partners for life.

Even though its long

after our honeymoon,

you're the one who still moves me,

who completes me,

and who makes my heart soar...

You're the wife of my dreams

and the kind of mother

I wish every kid in the world could have.

My feelings for you run deep...

I love you, my beautiful partner,

and I wish you the best Mother's Day

any woman could possibly have."

He also wrote a beautiful message just for me. I really am blessed to have him. I love him so much. He is my world, my everything.

This is the necklace he bought me. That sweetheart, it is beautiful. Every day is made better just by being your wife and any trial is bearable with you by my side.

Family Block Kits

My cousins and I got together this week to put our family block kits from the Idea Closet together.

The first kit you can modge podge a cardstock picture onto, but I decided to just tape a wallet sized picture on so I can change it each year. I LOVE the saying on this kit, it really helps me remember how much I love Josh and it will be okay if it is just the two of us forever.

The second kit came with papers that were cream and black, but I knew this paper would fit our family better. Its the Sarsaparilla kit from Close to My Heart.

I love getting together with these women. They married my cousins, but quickly became family. I remember growing up I didn't like to play with my cousins (cause they were boys), but I am so glad they married such wonderful women and that we have become such close friends. I love you guys so much.

Formspring question answered - Adoption questions you don't like

What adoption question are you sick of people asking? by jilleb163

*Stepping on soapbox

Where do I start? I hate it when people imply that by adopting, you will automatically become pregnant. They may know someone who did adopt and become pregnant. I know those people too. But for every couple that has adopted and then gotten pregnant, I can name 10 that adopted and then didn't get pregnant.

Couples don't choose to adopt just because they can't get pregnant. A lot of couples can get pregnant, but for different infertility reasons, they can't carry their child full-term and their pregnancy ends in a miscarriage, still birth, or pre-mature birth and death.

But I also know the hundreds that adopt. And then they adopt again. And again. But they never do get pregnant (or they do, but they still continue to have the problems listed above). Here's the kicker. Apparently the only way to never, ever, ever get pregnant, is to never have sex.

For me personally, I couldn't explore adoption until I had come to terms with never being pregnant. It was a tough battle. But I can honestly say that I have NO desire to ever be pregnant. In fact, the thought of it scares me to death.

*Continuing on my soapbox

I don't like it when people try to make this big distinction between adopted children and biological children. They make it sound like biological children are real and adopted children aren't.

From my favorite adoption book, "The Adoption Decision" I like to quote:

Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is loved.

If I'm in sassy mood, I'll also ask you, "Was your child born vaginally or by c-section?"

An adopted child is no different than a biological child. You love them just as much. You are the mother to them in all the same ways you would be to a biological child. You give them a home, food, clothes, discipline, love. You give your entire heart to a child, no matter what way they join your family. To me, the only difference is, if I could get pregnant, my child would join my family in nine months. Because we are adopting, we have been paper pregnant for 2 years, 3 months, and 6 days (with still no end in sight).

*Yep, still on my soapbox
I don't like it when people question our chosen adoption path. Every family makes their own adoption choice. Some choose international. Some choose to foster-to-adopt. I may be okay with never getting pregnant, but I want the entire baby experience. Please don't question me on my own feelings. And don't try to change them.

*Still on my soapbox and now getting more personal
When we told people about meeting C, I hated the automatic judgments they passed. "How young is she?" "Is this her first time pregnant?" "Is the dad a steady boyfriend?" Some of their questions made me want to vomit. I HATE the assumptions people make about girls considering adoption. These women LOVE their unborn child, more then they love themselves. These women are upstanding women who made a mistake. Guess what, all people make mistakes. No one is immune from it.

*Another personal experience
The biggest irritation when we told people about C was their very first response, "What if she changes her mind." Yes, I realize that she did end up changing her mind. But I hated it because I felt like I wasn't even allowed to be happy about being chosen. I felt like they were already assuming the worse. We waited almost 2 years to get chosen, and THAT is what people had to say about it? My usual response was "We aren't going to think about that. We are going to enjoy every minute of this." I have no regrets there. We did enjoy every minute. If we get chosen again, I will do the same thing. I'm not going to think about the "what if's." Every one else shouldn't either.

*Getting off soapbox.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

Formspring question answered - How are you really doing?

How are you really doing since your failed match?

Some days are good and some days are bad. I'm learning what triggers the bad days and trying to avoid those things.

Its tough thinking that after so many years of trying and so many years of waiting you are going to finally be a mom, only to learn that you have to go back to the waiting.

There is only a few people I will talk to with complete honesty about how I am doing. They are all part of the adoption world and I know they will understand my feelings and not judge me. The most honest answer I can give you is, life is pretty tough right now, but I'm doing my best to deal with my grief. If you think I'm completely happy, look deeper, there is still so much pain.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

Spring Swaperoo

I love my Spring Swaperoo gift! On Monday I received the first part. My partner had a custom order charm made from the r house couture Esty Store. I LOVE IT!

Then on Friday I was finally able to get to the Post Office during their office hours and pick up the other package. So cute! I'm heating up the hot chocolate right now (because it SNOWED last night) and I can't wait to cook the pasta. I think I'll do some Fettuccine Alfredo. I also love the hot pad and kitchen towel. I have received kitchen towels in my last three packages and I love them! It might seem like a simple or boring gift to others, but I love my growing collection of kitchen towels.

When my office made our big move last month, someone put some speckled plastic eggs on the give away or throw away table. I loved them, but didn't have any where to put them. I love how they look in this basket.
I opened the box right in the Post Office (while they were looking for my other package). When I got to the car I told Josh, "How cute, she included little mice for the kitties." That has become my favorite part of the gift. My cats have gone NUTS over them (probably because they are laced with catnip). Even Pryo, who doesn't get very active anymore, can't stop playing with them. These mice have already provided hours of entertainment for the cats and for us.

Thanks Megan, I love the gift!

Unchosen

There are no words for the grief we are going through right now. But since people ask questions and I only want to talk about it once, here is some of the details.

She met someone else.

She feel in love with someone else.

We are left with a lot of questions and not many answers.

I will be taking a break from blogging (maybe even the entire internet world). Already I have gone through all the stages of grief and I'm afraid if I blog during the angry part, I will say things I regret.

I still love her, I think I always will. When women find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy, 50% of them choose abortion, 49% choose to single parent and 1% will put their child before themselves and make an adoption plan. When we started the process we were told that girls in their teens wouldn't even think about adoption. She is already fighting agianst all those odds so even though I am hurt and upset, I can't hate her.

Comment moderation is still on. Please don't say anything mean. Placing her little girl for adoption will be the hardest decision she will ever make. We know she loves her child more than anything and that is all that matters.

We don't know what we will do now, so please don't ask. I am reliving all of my worst infertility moments and just don't want to think about the future right now.

You'll be a great mom

Recently I've been thinking about the above statement. I've heard it. A LOT. I've been thinking of some of the insensitive things people have said over the years as we've struggled with infertility, and for me, this one bothered me the least. It implies that we should remain hopeful, but when said it doesn't actually say "oh, just wait, you're time will come."

"You'll be a great mom." What does that really mean and why do people say it all the time? I know I'm just as guilty. I say it to people and I say it about people. I have friends who are recently married and I know when they choose to start their family, they will be good parents. I have single friends and I know they would be good parents. But when I say that, what am I really saying. When someone says it, what do they mean? What do I mean? Well, basically I guess I mean "I believe you won't starve or beat your children and they will grow in a loving home."

As it's been said over and over since we married, I have never doubted those people. I think I'll be a good mom. I know I'll do my best to raise my child with love. I'll give them a good home to live in and try to surround them with what is good.

But when your birth mom tells you she thinks you'll be a good mom, those words take on a completely new meaning. When she says it, she means it from the bottom of her heart. A birth mom chooses you because she believes that you will be good parents to the child she loves. That act on her part also makes her a good mom. Adoption is all about being good moms (and dads).

Loss

Most people probably wouldn't blog about their pets, but when you are infertile, they are more than just pets. My cats are the closest thing I have to children and I treat them as such. I know each of their personalities and quirks. I know their likes and dislikes. I love them with all my heart and today my heart is hurting because we have lost one of them.

You were only in our lives for a few years,
but you will be in our hearts forever.
We will always love you Missy.

Why we continue to wait to become parents

Someday this will be us...

Family Fast

The Church designates one Sunday each month, usually the first Sunday, as a day of fasting. Proper observance of fast Sunday includes going without food and drink for two consecutive meals, attending fast and testimony meeting, and giving a fast offering to help care for those in need.

As members of the church, we can fast for many purposes. Fasting is one way of worshiping God and expressing gratitude to Him. We can fast as we ask Heavenly Father to bless the sick or afflicted. Fasting may help us and those we love receive personal revelation and become converted to the truth. Through fasting we can gain strength to resist temptation. We can fast as we strive to humble ourselves before God and exercise faith in Jesus Christ. We may fast to receive guidance in sharing the gospel and magnifying Church callings. Fasting may accompany righteous sorrow or mourning.

To read more of what our church says about Fasting, please visit this LINK.

Most times we fast for personal reasons and personal growth. But there is strength in numbers and sometimes members will choose to fast for a common thing. This Sunday we have asked family and friends to join us in a fast for our adoption plan. It would be awesome if this fast resulted in our getting chosen, but we are also asking for family and friends to fast that we can receive the comfort we so desperately seek. We are fasting that we may align ourselves with God's plan.

If you like, please join your prayers with ours on Sunday.

Empty Arms

If you would like a glimpse into what infertility is like, please check out this link. It's a video about infertility. My favorite part is when it talks about what people say and what we would actually really like.
http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

FSA Conference

It was an AWESOME weekend. This weekend we went to the city to attend the National Families Supporting Adoption Conference. It is the only thing that Josh will willing go to the city for (even without a trip to Cabela's).

This was the 3rd year for us. We love it so much. For two days we get to surround ourselves with other couples in the adoption world. Couples who have adopted and couples who are still trying to adopt. There is no place I would rather be.

This year was extra specail to me this year because I had so many friends. Our first year we were still working on our paperwork and we didn't know anyone. Last year we seemed to fit in better, but we still didn't really know anyone.

Then I joined 2ofus4now.org and started blogging. What a great way to make friends! I tried to get pictures with everyone I knew, but I still missed out on a few people. They were presenters and national board memebers and I know they were super busy. Thank you for putting your time and your efforts into this years conference. It was wonderful.

Brenda (from Utah)

She puts together the Matching Monday each week.

Jessica (from Utah)

Josh and Andrew

I hope their profile will be done soon so I can link it on my blog. That was the downfall of the new itsaboutlove website. Those of us with profiles on the old website had to start all over again. Not fun!

Elizabeth (from Texas)Check out their adoption profile.

Elizabeth, Mrs. R. , Savannah

The other highlight of my weekend was I got to hold THREE different babies. Someone mentioned the nursery was a little hectic so I went to help out for a while where I held a little guy for about an hour. When his dad came to get him he apolgized for his sons slobber, but I was in heaven so a little slobber didn't hurt anything.

I also got to hold both of these little cuties. They were both born on the same day and got to meet for the first time on Saturday. I'm holding Eden and standing next to her mom Meka (she runs the Beautiful Baby Boutique). They are from Nevada. Next to her is Elizabeth holding her little girl Elora. Josh has the biggest crush on her, he thinks she has the cutest, chubbiest, baby cheeks ever. They are from Illinois.

Dinner the first night (we defienately don't attend these things for the food).

2ofus4now group picture. I hope we didn't miss out on anyone else from the group. We had so much fun together.

Elizabeth, Nicole, Savannah Brittany.

Beth andNicole have both adopted in the last year, but check out Brittany's online profile

I'm not sure what we are laughing about, but it must have been funny! I think this is a special picture because infertility has been such a huge, depressing, part of our lives and yet we are all happy.