Monday, April 25, 2011

12. Last time you cried

I started this post on Friday. I should have finished it.

Its quite refreshing to say, I can't remember. In the thick of infertility, I would have said something like "last night", "yesterday", or "this weekend". But right now I am in a healthy place where I don't let every little thing send me into a pool of tears.

I recently cried when a friend lost a baby. I recently cried when a friend saw yet another negative pregnancy test. Because I have cried so much over my own struggle, I can now cry with those who face the same kind of situations.

I'm sure I'll end up crying again someday, for my own situation, but I'm glad that for now, I've been able to get my life back on track and move on.

If I had published it then, it would have ended here. I was proud of myself and how far I have come so that I'm not constantly in tears.

But then I decided to sit on it for a few days and see if I wanted to add anything.

And then yesterday, was one of THOSE days. I lost it. I had to sneak out of Relief Society and hide in the bathroom because I couldn't hold it together anymore. Then I cried on the way home.

Then I learned that my mind is too creative, and I had no reason to cry, but that didn't stop me. By then I was so worked up that I burst into tears the throughout rest of the day. It all ended last night when I let it all out.

It was so stupid, because I thought I was crying over something I had missed. About an hour later, I learned it wasn't true, but by then I had myself so worked up, that I couldn't let it go until I had a full out melt down about it. But I wouldn't let myself do that, because I had no valid reason to be upset. It was like crying over spilled milk, only there was no spilled milk.

Finally that evening, I just let it come. The entire time I was crying, I told myself how I was wrong. How it never really happened, so I really had no reason to cry over it.

But I had to cry because it reminded me of how our infertility will never go away. I will always have small crisis' like this one. I will always be the odd woman out because I can't have children.

Here's to hoping that doesn't happen again for a very long time. Easter has not gone well for me the last few years, I think next year I will just skip it.


Kara-Jane said...

*HUGS* Sometimes you just got to let it out! Even if you do not know exactly what it is... It is not good to keep the sadness and anger inside.

Side note. Why is it always the bad stuff we try to keep inside? We never try to keep in happiness, laughter, or smiles, at least not for a long time?

From the Stork; An adoption Journey said...

Hugs and kisses to you. To tell you the truth infertility doesn't go away. You just try to learn to deal with it the best you can. I am so blessed with Justin and love him to peices and would never dream of thinking of a life with out him in it but I know if I was not infertile I would have never had him in my life. Now you tell me how stupid do I feel when I still get emotional over infertility. That I will never know what it feels like to be pregnant or go through labor the pain and the joy of holding a baby for the first time in my arms the minute it takes its first breath and watching the baby grown and the ultrasound pictures. I feel horiable admitting this because I am truly greatful for Justin but when I hear someone else in my life is pregnant I can't help to think why do I have to feel this way I feel guilty and wrong when I know I have nothing to be wrong about it is just my feelings. I don't think I will ever get over it I have just learned to deal with it but I still sometimes have my meltdowns. It stricks that nerve that make me uncomfortable. I don't want you to feel sad about what I posted just know you are not alone. Even after adoption and the joy of that sometimes or almost always you are going to have that nerve that gets struck. I understand where you are coming from and my thoughts are with you. keep your head up you are doing great. :)

StefanieJinelle said...

I cried during church yesterday too. Being a birthmom I struggle now with seeing babies everywhere and I want a little one of my own and I know it won't be for a while. And a friend of mine in church (who is also a birthmom) she and her husband spoke in church and they announced they're expecting their second child and I just bursted into tears. I had my husband leave with me so I could go home and cry. I know some people feel embarrassed that they cry often or 3 hours ago, or yesterday. You have a reason to grieve so don't think you can't. Loves <3

Kiki said...

You're so right. Infertility is never going to go away for us. It gets better over time, but it still stings. Sometimes it is good to just cry though. Hugs

RMCarter said...

Huge hugs to a woman with a huge heart. One of the biggest hearts I know. <3