Friday at the Quilted Bear

On Friday I went with my cousins Kim & Jessica to the city. I was even able to meet up with my friend Meka for a bit. The entire day was a blast. We started at one end of the valley and worked our way up all the way to Magna. My favorite two stops were The Olive Garden and The Quilted Bear.

I'm participating in another Swaperoo so I bought my partners stuff at the Quilted Bear. Here is the sneak peek. I'll post more pictures after I mail the package.


There is a booth at the Quilted Bear that makes the cutest things. (Wait, back that up, all of the booths are so cute!) This booth takes a cute twist on their items. They have these little wooden decorations for each season and on the back of them is the little plastic covers you use to child proof electrical sockets. You plug these into your electrical sockets!

I don't have much for Easter decorations so I bought myself this cute block display. It really brightens up the living room. Over the last few years I have come to LOVE motivational sayings in picture frames or on tiles. I thought this one was perfect given recent events. Now I just need to work on actually living it. I don't know if I like the color of the bow, I'll probably change it for a dark brown.

This was my treasure of the day. Its a picture of the Jordan River temple on a tile. I LOVE it. It was a little pricey and I walked by it 3 times before I finally decided to just buy it. We have a few pictures of the temple we were married in, but I wanted something elegant and fancy. It looks so perfect on my book shelf.

This is another Jordan River Temple display I bought recently. Its a collectors plate that can either set in a stand or hang on the wall. I still haven't decided where to display it, so it moves around a lot.

Friday was the best, I can't wait to do it again.

For Patrick

Yes, you read that right. I am making a PINK blanket for a little boy named Patrick. Why does Patrick need a pink blanket? Actually, he doesn't. What Patrick needs is a life-saving small bowel transplant.

I met Patrick's parents through one of my infertility support groups. I remember there was an email that came through about a little boy in Michigan needing a family. A short time later Emily emailed the group to say they were adopting the little boy. I was so happy for them.

Patrick was born with Short Gut Syndrome. You can go to his website HERE. It is estimated that his transplant will cost well over $500,000. His family has insurance, but it won't cover the full cost.

On May 1st his family is sponsoring a concert and a silent auction to raise money for the transplant and associated costs. That is where my pink blanket comes in. I am going to put together a few packages to donate to the silent auction. To me it doesn't seem like much, but to his family, every penny will help their little boy.

To learn how you can donate for the silent auction go HERE. Or leave a comment and I will help you get in touch with his family. If you don't have anything to donate to the auction, but still want to donate money, they have a donation link HERE.

We have just learned that people are sending hate mail to a very precious 16 year old girl. We will not tolerate that. If you have something hateful to say, keep it to your self, maybe you'll choke on the words. If I learn who is doing these mean things I will find my own ways to retaliate. If you are sending these mean messages, I am not your friend anymore.

Unchosen

There are no words for the grief we are going through right now. But since people ask questions and I only want to talk about it once, here is some of the details.

She met someone else.

She feel in love with someone else.

We are left with a lot of questions and not many answers.

I will be taking a break from blogging (maybe even the entire internet world). Already I have gone through all the stages of grief and I'm afraid if I blog during the angry part, I will say things I regret.

I still love her, I think I always will. When women find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy, 50% of them choose abortion, 49% choose to single parent and 1% will put their child before themselves and make an adoption plan. When we started the process we were told that girls in their teens wouldn't even think about adoption. She is already fighting agianst all those odds so even though I am hurt and upset, I can't hate her.

Comment moderation is still on. Please don't say anything mean. Placing her little girl for adoption will be the hardest decision she will ever make. We know she loves her child more than anything and that is all that matters.

We don't know what we will do now, so please don't ask. I am reliving all of my worst infertility moments and just don't want to think about the future right now.

Random thoughts for the day...

1 - I miss blogging. I will stare at my blog for inspiration and something to write about, but nothing comes to me. I have lost my groove, and I want it back. I wish I was a good enough writer to blog every day.

2 - There is a ton of choices when you shop for flowers online. Its hard to choose a favorite. Speaking of flowers, someone at work got a special delivery today of 6 gorgeous pink roses. She is down at the new building and I don't see the point of letting something so pretty sit in an empty office, so right now they are on my desk.

3 - Ally is in heat (she's a SEXY thing!), but she is still so small. We are actually thinking of letting this cat have kitten. I've always wanted to have a cat have kittens, but we've always lived in such small places. Now we live where we could probably do it. She is still too small for us to consider it right now so if we did go ahead and have kittens they would come right about the same time as the baby, and that sounds like a lot of work.

4 - The Utah Foster Care System, why are they so slow! My bestie will be a great mom, approve them already and give them a placement. You say you need more foster care parents, stop dragging your feet.

5 - Scrap book group was fun last night. Got better acquainted with some people and met new people.

6- I am convinced my belly HATES me. Actually, I've thought that for years. Acid Reflux is so miserable. But lately my belly has been touch and go on the upsettedness and I'm not sure it is acid reflux this time. (If you leave a comment that I could be pregnant, I will kick you. Infertile, remember?) Last night Josh jokingly said "what if you are lactose intolerant?" I had nightmares all night that I couldn't drink milk anymore. I'm going to have to keep a food diary and see if I can find out what is causing my belly aches.

7- Its ready for another FSA get together. I LOVE these get togethers. I HATE having to plan them.

11- Josh :) He is so wonderful. I've never met a better man. How did I ever get so lucky to marry him? Its been an amazing nine years. He makes me laugh and he holds me when I cry. He's an excellent cook. He provides so well for his family. His personality is the cutest. He knows how to calm me down when I am upset. And he knows how to make me happy. What more could I ask for?

Valentine Swaperoo

Thanks Christine! I love it!

You'll be a great mom

Recently I've been thinking about the above statement. I've heard it. A LOT. I've been thinking of some of the insensitive things people have said over the years as we've struggled with infertility, and for me, this one bothered me the least. It implies that we should remain hopeful, but when said it doesn't actually say "oh, just wait, you're time will come."

"You'll be a great mom." What does that really mean and why do people say it all the time? I know I'm just as guilty. I say it to people and I say it about people. I have friends who are recently married and I know when they choose to start their family, they will be good parents. I have single friends and I know they would be good parents. But when I say that, what am I really saying. When someone says it, what do they mean? What do I mean? Well, basically I guess I mean "I believe you won't starve or beat your children and they will grow in a loving home."

As it's been said over and over since we married, I have never doubted those people. I think I'll be a good mom. I know I'll do my best to raise my child with love. I'll give them a good home to live in and try to surround them with what is good.

But when your birth mom tells you she thinks you'll be a good mom, those words take on a completely new meaning. When she says it, she means it from the bottom of her heart. A birth mom chooses you because she believes that you will be good parents to the child she loves. That act on her part also makes her a good mom. Adoption is all about being good moms (and dads).

Adoption thoughts to the undwed mother

Why is it that when people talk about adoption, they do so like it's a loveless act? Considering adoption DOES NOT mean the mother doesn't loves her child. Considering adoption DOES NOT mean the mother is trying to find a quick fix to her situation.

Birth mom's aren't cool, they are AMAZING. The love a birth mom has for her child is a greater love then anyone can ever understand.

I have yet to meet a birth mom who says they placed their child because they didn't want to raise it themselves. More than anything in the world, a birth mom WANTS to raise their baby on their own. If it was just about them, they would. But when they learn they are pregnant, its no longer about just them, it's about the child they carry. The child they LOVE.

This month I seem to be even more passionate about adoption. Maybe it's because we have our own birth mom now, so any assault on adoption feels like a direct attack on my family. Why can't adoption be portrayed more positively in the media? And I don't just mean Hollywood. Movies get it wrong all the time, but so do books, magazines and newspapers. I read an article this week that has spurned all this anger. And yet, I know I shouldn't be this mad. It's not the person's fault that they are uneducated. It's not their fault they can't see adoption as the loving decision that it really is.

If I could talk to these people, this is what I would say.

Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is not about making a problem disappear. A birth mom does not place her child and then walk away and forget that child. They never stop loving that child. Adoption is about trying to take an ugly thing and turning it into something beautiful. As a single, unwed expectant mother, you probably never expected to find yourself pregnant and alone. Already that child is loved and depending on you. You don't make an adoption plan because you don't want the child. By making an adoption plan you show that you are a good mother because you are doing the best you can to give your child the best in life. Adoption isn't really about you. Adoption really isn't about me. Its about the child.

Josh's Wisdom Teeth

Never before did I think I would be willing to pay someone hundreds of dollars to do a surgery on a Saturday, but that is just what we did this weekend.

Josh has been having wisdom teeth problems. And when I say problems I mean, pounding migraines at all hours of the night where he thought it would hurt less if his head really did explode. There was some nights he would only get 2 hours of sleep. Sure, you could say it was practice for when the baby comes, but there is no way he could have cared for a baby while in that much pain.

I've been reassured that when I had my wisdom teeth pulled several years ago, I wasn't near as funny as Josh was this weekend. He said the only goofy thing I did is when the doc asked if I could see my husband I declared I could see both of them just fine.

Here are a few of the funny things Josh said and did on the ride home from the dentist.

"That doc, he's okay. He's a good egg in my book."

He told me to pull into K-mart and buy a Wii (I had wanted to buy one the night before, but he talked me out of it.) When I told him we were no where near K-mart, he made a big circle with his arm (and almost feel out of the seat, thank goodness for seat belts) and told me to turn the car around and go get one.

He declared that we were NOT going to stop in Heber on the way home. (We were no where near Heber nor were we going to be.)

He declared several people he knows to be "up-tight." I was one of them.

He demanded I call his brother and tell him he was ready to go ice fishing, right that second.

When my cell rang and I didn't answer it, he got after me for ignoring phone calls. He also kept reminding me they left a voice-mail.

He compared some people to coyotes.

When they gave us the okay to leave, I noticed his glasses weren't with him. Josh noticed he was missing teeth and he wanted to know where they were, he was going to make a necklace.

In an act of what I thought was brilliance, I asked for a kitten. He asked me if I had met our last kitten and there was no way in Hades he was letting me get another kitten like her. I should have just gotten the kitten, because he can't remember telling me no.

I learned a new lesson about love on Saturday. The hardest thing I've had to do since we were married almost nine years ago was to walk out of the room when the doctor told me to. It took every ounce of strength I had to do it. I made it as far as the restroom where I crumbled. It is so hard to love someone so much and yet not be able to do anything to help them.

Dear 2009

What can I say to 2009?
January was a bitter sweet month. Our nephew turned 2. He is at such a fun age. Growing so fast and learning even faster. So busy and so much to do. Why don't we have a cousin for you yet?

In February I got sick of the infertility blues and gave my blog a new name and a new theme. Oh, and you almost had us with that scammer.
I started a cooking blog. But most importantly, we celebrated eight wonderful years together.

In March Josh got a puppy. I named her Sage. Pyro had her first cancer removal surgery. I offered to join a craft exchange. (Gosh dang, I need to get those bookmarks in the mail!)

In April Josh took me to see "Phantom." That was fun. Hitting the deer with my car, not so much. Easter in St. George with my grandparents, that was fun too. Getting together with FSA is always fun.

In May we had to give a new rule to Zipper. I was able to meet several online adoption friends in person. Josh felt creative and built a bench. And I took a stand for adoption and wrote a letter to the editor.

June, I love your warm weather! We went craw dad fishing and we discovered Pelican Lake. More good times with our FSA buddies. And I got a new fridge! I wrapped up the month by babysitting the happiest little boy.

In July I reaped the rewards of babysitting that cute little boy, by catching the icky influenza bug from his family. Highlight of the summer was helping Preston catch his first fish! Josh took me hiking in the mountains (sometimes I still call it the death march of '09).

August is always my favorite month because its time for FSA Conference. It was a blast this year because we met so many friends. And what a busy month you were. Blowing bubbles with Preston was the bomb! The family reunion in the mountains was the best. And then we welcomed our newest nephew, Tyler, into the world. (But still no children for us.) I also learned that there is worse things then a dead mouse in bed, try a live bat in the house.

In September, FSA got together again. We took new family pictures at the farm.

October, you didn't get a lot of attention because, let's face it, up until the 20th, you sucked. So much so I couldn't even find the strength to blog about it (and I still haven't). But you had your shiny moment on the 20th when we received our first email. And you did go out with a bang with my Halloween Dinner and Dallon coming home.

In November, I got back into my blogging groove when I took on the National Adoption Month challenge to blog about adoption every day. You reminded me how cruel life can be when you took my Missy away from me. I still haven't forgiven you for that. But you did melt my heart when we met Ally. (Why didn't you warn me about all the trouble she would find?) I had a few fun hours watching my little nephews. (When can I do that again?).

December, how can I ever repay you. I want to scream it from the housetops, "We were picked!" Quite frankly, the rest of the month was a blur because we have had our heads in the clouds.
2010, our future has never looked so bright.

*To read an update on our adoption journey, please read Unchosen.

I couldn't say it better myself

New Year's Eve

Josh was asleep before 9:00.

Temple Square

We got our second Christmas on Saturday when we went to see Celeste. We had a fun time, but learned we need to better prepare for the city. We were a few minutes late for the movie, not that it mattered because it was already sold out. I had to call a friend to find a restaurant (turns out we were piratically standing on it). The city sure is busy during dinner time, we never have to wait to get seated at a table where we live. But dinner was a blast, she even laughed when I called Josh a gay cowboy because he bought a purple shirt. We are so comfortable around her. We were able to get into a later showing of the "Princess and the Frog." It was super cute. I could fall in love with Disney all over again.

After that we decided to get lost in the city and go to Temple Square. I'm so glad the temple is big so even when you see it several streets away, you can get there. This was my first time using my new camera and I haven't figured out the settings yet so some of the pictures are blurry.

On the way back to her house we got really lost. Had no clue where we were. We thought about keeping Celeste, but we weren't sure where our home was either. But God is in all parts of the adoption process and through divine luck we found her house.

I get to go out again on the 22nd to learn the sex of the baby. I am so excited!!!! If Josh can't get the day off, than he says we will have to take another trip in January so he can see Celeste too.

Ally's first dive... and first bath

Christmas morning Josh woke me up to tell me the hilarious story of Ally jumping into the toilet. I didn't laugh. Instead I inquired to make sure he had washed her off and was informed he didn't. I found her on the couch, on his side of the couch. So back to the bathroom we went, but this time to the sink where she received her first bath and if she has her way it will be her last bath.

Christmas 2009

For the Christmas holiday, I participated in another blog swap on Seasonal Swaperoos. I forgot to take a picture of the stuff I sent. Here is the picture of the stuff I received. Kirsti did a good job when I mentioned I really like snowman (and don't like Santa's). The Snowman tin had chocolates in the top and the snow flakes and hair clips in the second bin. There was a cute Christmas card telling us to use the picture frame next year for baby's first day in the snow. I can't wait!

Our tree on Christmas morning.

After opening presents. Don't worry, it was a bigger Christmas than it looked. I also got 4 new tire rims and two new tires. Josh got a kennel and a bed for his dog.
This year I had good intentions, I started my Christmas projects in Sept. But then I quit working on them in Oct. So on Christmas Eve I pulled an all nighter and stayed up until 2 AM finishing the scrapbooks I was making. I made Josh's mom and sister each one using Melanie's kids. Here is just a sampling of some of the pages.

Then for Josh's Grandparents I made a scrapbook for our family reunion this summer. I had a ton of pictures for it so I decided to do a different layout for it.

This is a tradition I talked about keeping, but that was before I realized just how in over my head I was.

We are so excited for Christmas next year. It is going to be big!

Modern Blitz Designs

I have a friend who makes the cutest cards. I'm talking Christmas cards, announcement cards, pass along cards. You name it, she can design it. She also does blog designs. The best part is all this work is for her dream of parenthood. They are looking to adopt and she is doing this design work to help raise money for their adoption plans. Check her website out at Modern Blitz Designs. Go there and check out her adorable work.
P.S. She is doing a giveaway right now.

Josh's birthday thoughts

One year older and wiser too.....

Hello everyone, Josh here invading Savannah's blog for a moment with some thoughts on my birthday, and the year that has past. To start with, I had heard that when you turn the age that your birthday falls on, it's supposed to be a very good year, so last year I turned 27 on the 27th, something big had to be coming.

The winter passed without much incident, it snowed some, it was cold, then the warmth of spring came. Much like other years my faith waxed and waned like it always has. We were still not parents yet, although we had been contacted by a scammer who got my hopes up and them smashed them to pieces.

Wanting some control back I expanded our family in a different way, we got Sage. I now had some control back in what happened to my family and it was wonderful. I love my puppy, and it has been nice to have a dog around to walk and play tug of war with, but I was still expecting something big, then came summer.

With the warm summer months upon us Savannah and I decided to tackle the 101 things to see and do in the Uintah Basin. We started off with a bang but got stuck on the "Fishing for bluegill at Pelican Lake," I can honestly say I haven't had that much fun fishing since I was a little kid going to the mountains with my family on our annual pack trips. So we have now found a new fishing spot, it was a nice change but still not the big thing that I was expecting.

We also tried backpacking this summer, A fun trip into beautiful country, country that I love very much and was so glad that I was finally able to share with Savannah. We both has a good time and Sage was in 7th heaven, but still not the big thing I was expecting, maybe fall would hold the big excitement for my 27th year.

The end of July saw us once again going to the annual FSA confrence, it was there that I decided that Savannah has a fairly faithful following of couples hoping to adopt like us. I had to go out to the car for something and Savannah stayed inside, on my way to the car several women who I didn't know said hello to me and asked about Savannah. They recognized my hat, I love that hat. The conference was wonderful, and we were able to meet new friends and have a wonderful time. I look forward to conference more than Christmas each year. At the end of the weekend I felt different, I was uplifted as I have been at the end of each conference, but this year was different, I cold now sense something big coming for us, I have no idea how I knew this but I knew that something was going to happen and it was going to be big, but what was it?

With the coming of September, the obvious excitement of fall hit me, Dallon was coming home, the hunts started soon, and we were going to the Book cliffs in November. I lay awake one Friday night in mid September and listened to elk bugle above the house here all night long, maybe fall would see the big something coming, maybe in the way of a big elk or deer. Well it was a good thought anyway. The hunts came and went and were fairly uneventful. But on the 20th of October a very small thing happened, we got an email from a potential birth mother. Dallon was coming home in a week, and here was this email. At first I didn't know what to think other than it was a good thing. I felt good about it but nerves and fears of scams past kept me from getting too terribly excited.

October 31st, Dallon came home and I went to the mountain alone, I had a sense of sadness that I have never felt before this day. I was of course excited to see Dallon again, two year is a long time to be without my brother and best friend. But I was sad because I was so sure when he left that when he came home Savannah and I would have a baby, and he was coming home and we didn't have one yet. I went to the mountain and walked out on a long ridge overlooking a deep canyon. I sat down for a moment and told my concerns to my Father in Heaven. I explained that I wanted Savannah to be a mother and I wanted to be a father, but I wasn't sure how much more I could take. If it was to forever be just her and I and the cats and the dog, I would accept that. I would love my nephews fiercely and would be a serious contender for the worlds best uncle. And if I was to never have to change diapers or get to experience 2:00 feeding, I would survive, I was saddened because of the loss of these things but I would get through it. Then I had a feeling, a feeling that I don't often get probably because I don't listen for it often enough, but this feeling told me that the Lord was aware of Savannah and I, he knew of my struggles and heartache and he hadn't abandoned my yet, so I shouldn't abandon him. The words "wait just a bit longer Josh, you're tough enough just a bit longer" were running through my head all that day. I had a feeling of peace that I have not known since I knew that we were meant to start on this adoption journey.

November saw Steve and Dallon hunting elk in the Book cliffs. They both got elk, and I had a wonderful time on the hunt just being with them and the rest of the family there. But we had also been receiving a few emails from this potential birth mother. I was actually getting pretty excited about her. Days that we didn't hear from her were longer than days that we did, And as Dallon and I went to camp late one night I told him about her. I was excited about where this might end up and had to tell someone.

Thanksgiving we decided to tell our family and a few friends about "C", the birth mother we were in contact with. We asked for prayers on her behalf and on ours as well. Never in my life have I felt the power of prayers offered on my behalf like I have that week after Thanksgiving. I felt like my "Big thing" was getting closer and closer, then on a lazy Sunday afternoon "C" emailed us and said that she wanted to meet. Savannah called her on the phone and I paced close by eavesdropping on as much of their conversation as I could. The word "Excitement" cannot do justice to the feelings that I had during that phone call. I think Savannah stated it best on her face book status as "Big things happening right this second."

December 4th, I have never been so excited and nervous as I was that day. The drive from home to the city was filled with nerve racking excitement and nervous energy, I think I could have run part way there. As is usual with my driving in the city, we got lost, then got found again, then we found her house. As I stepped out of the car in her driveway I felt the spirit of the Lord so strong, giving me the strength I needed to walk to the front door and knock. She opened the door, Savannah gave her a hug, and the nerves went away. I cannot explain it but it was as if I have known her forever. We had a wonderful visit, I did not want the night to end. As we took her home after dinner, the tears came. She stated it as she said that she felt the spirit so strong, and as she told her mom and dad the we were "Awesome"

As we got in the car to come home tears wet my cheeks. Yes me who tries to be big and tough was crying because of a 16 year old girl. The drive home was long, I didn't want to leave the city, she is amazing and I wanted to stay there and learn all I could about her. When we got home we turned on the computer and there was the email, she had chosen us! An email on the 20th of October, such a little thing, and an email on the 4th of December Big thing, both connected but the small thing turned into my BIG THING!

The last few weeks have been a blur, I live for daily emails from Celeste, we went and saw her again last night. I have never met anyone so amazing, so strong, brave, and wonderful as her. She is now part of my family and I don't have the words to describe how I feel.

So now I start 28. Big things await us from here on out, and I'll never be the same man I was, I can only hope that I am better, worthy of the blessings I have received. For my Savannah, and all that she is and does for me. For Celeste and the light and the hope she has given me, for making this big tough cowboy cry more than once now. And for our child, I'll meet you this year, and I am sure there will be tears because of you too. I can't wait to tell you your story, and tell you about all the wonderful people who helped bring you to us. One year older and wiser, and hopefully I am getting better with age.

Josh the big 'ol softie and Ally in trouble

When we dated Josh used to tell me on a regular basis that when we married there would be no dogs in the house. I happily agreed to this arrangement. It was never a problem until earlier this week when Josh wanted to bring Sage in during the night so she could stay warm. I realized I lost the fight as I was purchasing a kennel the next day. So now Sage comes in every night and sits by the couch for about an hour. We have to keep her on her leash so she doesn't go find stuff to chew on. Then we put her in the kennel at bedtime. Josh gets up at about 1:00 to take her out for a potty break and then she comes back in. I think he is training for the 2:00 AM feedings so I can stay in bed at night.
Of course, none of the kitties are happy with this arrangement.

What trouble has Ally managed to find this week? We have learned she LOVES shopping bags. They aren't on the floor for two minutes and she is in them. And it will keep her entertained for hours. Or until I get the groceries put away.

She also finally manged to find her way into the closet. That part I understand, but I have no idea how she got up on the hangers.
She just wants to be just like her big brother.