Sunday, April 26, 2009

Attention Kittens!

Dear Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Your dish will always be located on the floor. Only my dishes will be placed at the table.

The hallway and staircase was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It i s not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
* They live here. You don't.
* If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
* I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
* To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.Remember, cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

7 comments:

Jessica said...

That was hilarious! My favorite part was about the stairs not being a racetrack. My cat has a course she runs throughout our house too!!

Desi said...

That was GREAT! I visited your blog during a study break and found lots of much needed laughter. My husband even came in to see why I was laughing so hard - I had to start over so he could enjoy the fun too! Cats really are the best!

It's amazing what we cat owners will do for our little kitties. We love our little girls and spoil them bunches. They try to repay by leaving gifts of their latest conquests in the middle of the bed for us to find. It's not their fault that we don't want to roll over onto their toys!

Why is it that they always want to be in the bathroom with us? Tavia just got spayed this week and has been recouperating in the bathroom. We finally let her out so she can be in the bedroom too, but if I go into the bathroom - she whines and cries that she's left out. The very same room she's been whining and crying to be let out of. I just don't get it.

Thanks for the laughs! Your kitties are adorable!

mandamike said...

too funny :) Our doggy (Bryn) was our first baby too :) I love pets, they love you unconditionally and have so much to offer to a family.

Teah said...

That was great! I laughed the hardest about selling their children. I'm sure some parents feel that way when their teen comes home pregnant. Thanks for that post. I needed a good laugh today.

Brady and Richelle said...

this is seriously the CUTEST blog i've ever read...I love it and i love the picture where zipper is looking in the mirror---very cute!

Trent & Carlie & Co. said...

Cute Savannah! I love the picture of you & Missy. :)

Ashley said...

Your cats crack me up. Makes me miss my cat, my sister won't let me have him back. Mean huh?