Tuesday, May 10, 2011

16. What turns you off?

*I've been sitting on this post for about 2 weeks. I don't want to offend, but this is a soap box issue for me. I hope as it is read, you can tell the difference in my points.

Spouses who don't respect each other. I will never understand why spouses belittle each other. And talk lowly about each other. DRIVES.ME.NUTS.

I don't mean the small stuff, like "Josh locked his keys in the truck." There is a difference between a small vent and just down right disrespect. I think sometimes a spouse needs to talk things out to get a different opinion or a fresh view. If you need to vent that your husband works all the time, you can do so in a respectful manner. But its another thing to just outright start listing things you don't like about them, especially when its done on a continuous basis. I have one friend, that each time I see them, they complain about their spouse. Every.single.time.

I unfriended someone on facebook once because she was ripping her husband apart on her wall. They hadn't even been married that long, like only a year or two at that point. Before unfriending her, I tried to comment in what I thought was a nice way, that she was married and should try to respect his decisions. Her sister, who I was not friends with on facebook, sent me a personal message and attacked me. Its nice she was sticking up for her sister, but still, this gal was married and should stand by her husband, not behind her siblings and parents.

I had another friend who each time I saw them, would talk down about their spouse. It reached the point that I wanted to ask why they got married. At one point, it was mentioned that the spouse went home to visit family, and if they didn't change their attitude, they would send the spouse back. It was hard to bite my tongue as ask that person to check their own attitude. I don't know the spouse well, but I felt so bad for them. I would die if Josh talked about me that way. And I would NEVER talk about Josh that way. In fact, I like to tell Josh that if he leaves me, I get to keep his family. There's no way I'm sending him back there if I can't have them too. ;)

Marriage is not something you are forced into. When I married my husband, I promised to put him above all else. I promised to love him until the end of time. That is a promise I take very seriously. Even on our worst days, I would never spill every little complaint and detail. Even during our roughest patch of infertility, I knew he was the most important part of my family. A big part of OUR infertility is directly because of his body. But I never once thought that finding a new husband would mean I could then have kids. If Josh isn't a part of my family, then I don't want a family.

Let me retract, there are a few things that need outside help. If a spouse is abusive in ANY way, get some help. Go to a family member or a trusted friend and get some help. You do not deserve to live in a marriage where you are scared for your own safety.

And for everyone else, quit picking about the little stuff about the person you married. Remember why you married them. If you are in a rut, don't just sit there. Break out of it. Go back to the basics of dating if you have too. Discover something new together. Problems inside a marriage should be solved inside the marriage. A spouse shouldn't go around talking about miserable they are, and then go home and pretend that everything is fine.


Kara-Jane said...

I agree 100%! You choose who you marry, at least here in America!

Great post Savannah!

Dana said...

I love this and totally agree. I have been married for many years 29 to be exact and have been exposed to many who belittle there spouse. even in our worst of days and there have been some I would never Do this to the person I chose to be with. Even now if we were to go our seperate ways would anybody know. I just believe that you can seek support without laying the person out for all to see. I wouldn't want my spouse to do that to me and I would never do it to him no matter what. Some things are mean't to be between a husband and wife.

Teah said...

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post. Growing up in a home where the parents belittled each other all the time I can tell you it's not only terrible on the outside of the home, but on the inside as well. It is also one of my biggest pet peeves. So when Donovan and I got married we swore we would never talk bad about each other to anyone. If there is a problem then we go to each other first and foremost. Thanks for being brave enough to post this. Hopefully it will help others who struggle with it.