28th Birthday

On Monday I turned 28. :) Maybe its because I'm still young, but I don't mind having birthdays because I don't feel like I'm getting that much older. 

We had planned a great day to spend as my last day of being 27. We decided to go to the city just so I could eat at the Olive Garden. And I'm in desperate need of a winter coat (we haven't been above freezing since before New Years!), so a little shopping was planned too. It was going to be a great day.

On Saturday night, Josh's family had a problem with one of their horses. He was down and couldn't get up. He had also sled into a fence and they were worried about him hurting his legs.  While trying to roll him away from the fence, Josh slipped on a batch of ice and hurt his back. 

The next morning it took Josh 5 minutes to sit up and get out of bed. Being the sweetie that he is, he told me to give him an hour and then he would take me to the city. Being the wise wife that I am, I told him there was no way I was going to make him sit in a car all day. I gladly offered to take him to the doctor and of course he refused. Then a few minutes later he changed his mind. That is when I knew just how bad he hurt. He's broken toes and not gone to the doctor, this must be bad. 

So instead of going to the city, we went to the ER. They did an x-ray and his spine was okay, but he had pulled all of the muscles in his lower back. I wish I had taken my camera! He had to put on a hospital gown for the x-ray, but he kept on his cowboy hat. He wore it while they pushed his chair to the lab, then I held it while he laid on the table. Then he put it back on for the ride back to the room. We left with some pain pills and strict instructions to take it easy. He is starting to feel better now.

Monday morning I got up a few minutes earlier (as in I only hit snooze once instead of two or three times) because Josh told me I could open one present before I left for work. I was excited so I opened it before changing out of my pj's. I think you should get to stay in your pj's extra long on your own birthday. 

I finally got an Itrip for my car! I fought off getting an Ipod for so long, now I'm not sure if I could live without it. 

Josh managed to get to class that day, despite his pain. After class he brought me some very pretty flowers at work. I love getting flowers at work! 

Then that night he made me Chicken Parmesan for dinner. I'm such a lucky girl. 

After dinner I opened my other two presents. Josh got me a new bracelet. 

Then he got me an external DVD player. Its not quite what I asked for, but its the thought that counts. Right? No, actually what I really need is an external storage device, so I will be exchanging this external hard drive the next time I get to Staples. 

We finished out the night with one of my favorite desserts, Decadent Brownie Pie. It is so GOOD!

And we played my new Mario game I got for Christmas. But really I was trying to take a picture of Ally hanging off of the chair. 

Zipper wished me a happy birthday by loosing a whisker right next to Josh, so Josh so could find it and give it to me. 

My first week of being 28 has been a little rough (I have now filled out my first police report), hopefully the rest of the year will be better. 

Formspring question answered - Adoption questions you don't like

What adoption question are you sick of people asking? by jilleb163

*Stepping on soapbox

Where do I start? I hate it when people imply that by adopting, you will automatically become pregnant. They may know someone who did adopt and become pregnant. I know those people too. But for every couple that has adopted and then gotten pregnant, I can name 10 that adopted and then didn't get pregnant.

Couples don't choose to adopt just because they can't get pregnant. A lot of couples can get pregnant, but for different infertility reasons, they can't carry their child full-term and their pregnancy ends in a miscarriage, still birth, or pre-mature birth and death.

But I also know the hundreds that adopt. And then they adopt again. And again. But they never do get pregnant (or they do, but they still continue to have the problems listed above). Here's the kicker. Apparently the only way to never, ever, ever get pregnant, is to never have sex.

For me personally, I couldn't explore adoption until I had come to terms with never being pregnant. It was a tough battle. But I can honestly say that I have NO desire to ever be pregnant. In fact, the thought of it scares me to death.

*Continuing on my soapbox

I don't like it when people try to make this big distinction between adopted children and biological children. They make it sound like biological children are real and adopted children aren't.

From my favorite adoption book, "The Adoption Decision" I like to quote:

Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is loved.

If I'm in sassy mood, I'll also ask you, "Was your child born vaginally or by c-section?"

An adopted child is no different than a biological child. You love them just as much. You are the mother to them in all the same ways you would be to a biological child. You give them a home, food, clothes, discipline, love. You give your entire heart to a child, no matter what way they join your family. To me, the only difference is, if I could get pregnant, my child would join my family in nine months. Because we are adopting, we have been paper pregnant for 2 years, 3 months, and 6 days (with still no end in sight).

*Yep, still on my soapbox
I don't like it when people question our chosen adoption path. Every family makes their own adoption choice. Some choose international. Some choose to foster-to-adopt. I may be okay with never getting pregnant, but I want the entire baby experience. Please don't question me on my own feelings. And don't try to change them.

*Still on my soapbox and now getting more personal
When we told people about meeting C, I hated the automatic judgments they passed. "How young is she?" "Is this her first time pregnant?" "Is the dad a steady boyfriend?" Some of their questions made me want to vomit. I HATE the assumptions people make about girls considering adoption. These women LOVE their unborn child, more then they love themselves. These women are upstanding women who made a mistake. Guess what, all people make mistakes. No one is immune from it.

*Another personal experience
The biggest irritation when we told people about C was their very first response, "What if she changes her mind." Yes, I realize that she did end up changing her mind. But I hated it because I felt like I wasn't even allowed to be happy about being chosen. I felt like they were already assuming the worse. We waited almost 2 years to get chosen, and THAT is what people had to say about it? My usual response was "We aren't going to think about that. We are going to enjoy every minute of this." I have no regrets there. We did enjoy every minute. If we get chosen again, I will do the same thing. I'm not going to think about the "what if's." Every one else shouldn't either.

*Getting off soapbox.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

Formspring question answered - Open adoption

Are you still considering open adoption?

I love open adoption and hope that we will be able to have a great relationship with our birth mom and her family (and hopefully the birth father too). We have kept our searching within the state in hopes that our birth mom will live in Utah. Then we can have frequent visits with her.

To me adoption is about the child. But after that is about the birth mom. Then on the bottom of the scale is the adoptive couple. The child's needs should be met first. They need to know their birth mom. They need to know how much she loves them and why she made the decision she did. How better to let them know than through open adoption and a continued relationship with the birth mom.

Then there is the birth mom. She puts a lot on the line when she makes her adoption plan. So her needs should be met too. She needs pictures to see how happy the family is. She might want visits to reassure her of her decision. I bought an expensive camera so I could take better quality pictures because I hoped to share them with our birth family someday. Our goal with C was monthly visits. The times we went to see her we always treated her to dinner. If things had continued we would have have tried to keep up on the monthly visits, but since we would be buying diapers and formula, we probably would have just hung out at her house, which I know would have been fine. She would want to see her baby, not eat dinner.

I guess I can see why open adoption scares some people. But when something is unfamiliar to you, it can be scary. My favorite thing to say about open adoption is: There is nothing wrong with more people loving your child. That is what open adoption is about.

What terrifies me is a closed adoption. I hate to think of never knowing anything about our child's birthmom and not having at least continual contact through letters and pictures.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

You'll be a great mom

Recently I've been thinking about the above statement. I've heard it. A LOT. I've been thinking of some of the insensitive things people have said over the years as we've struggled with infertility, and for me, this one bothered me the least. It implies that we should remain hopeful, but when said it doesn't actually say "oh, just wait, you're time will come."

"You'll be a great mom." What does that really mean and why do people say it all the time? I know I'm just as guilty. I say it to people and I say it about people. I have friends who are recently married and I know when they choose to start their family, they will be good parents. I have single friends and I know they would be good parents. But when I say that, what am I really saying. When someone says it, what do they mean? What do I mean? Well, basically I guess I mean "I believe you won't starve or beat your children and they will grow in a loving home."

As it's been said over and over since we married, I have never doubted those people. I think I'll be a good mom. I know I'll do my best to raise my child with love. I'll give them a good home to live in and try to surround them with what is good.

But when your birth mom tells you she thinks you'll be a good mom, those words take on a completely new meaning. When she says it, she means it from the bottom of her heart. A birth mom chooses you because she believes that you will be good parents to the child she loves. That act on her part also makes her a good mom. Adoption is all about being good moms (and dads).

Adoption thoughts to the undwed mother

Why is it that when people talk about adoption, they do so like it's a loveless act? Considering adoption DOES NOT mean the mother doesn't loves her child. Considering adoption DOES NOT mean the mother is trying to find a quick fix to her situation.

Birth mom's aren't cool, they are AMAZING. The love a birth mom has for her child is a greater love then anyone can ever understand.

I have yet to meet a birth mom who says they placed their child because they didn't want to raise it themselves. More than anything in the world, a birth mom WANTS to raise their baby on their own. If it was just about them, they would. But when they learn they are pregnant, its no longer about just them, it's about the child they carry. The child they LOVE.

This month I seem to be even more passionate about adoption. Maybe it's because we have our own birth mom now, so any assault on adoption feels like a direct attack on my family. Why can't adoption be portrayed more positively in the media? And I don't just mean Hollywood. Movies get it wrong all the time, but so do books, magazines and newspapers. I read an article this week that has spurned all this anger. And yet, I know I shouldn't be this mad. It's not the person's fault that they are uneducated. It's not their fault they can't see adoption as the loving decision that it really is.

If I could talk to these people, this is what I would say.

Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is not about making a problem disappear. A birth mom does not place her child and then walk away and forget that child. They never stop loving that child. Adoption is about trying to take an ugly thing and turning it into something beautiful. As a single, unwed expectant mother, you probably never expected to find yourself pregnant and alone. Already that child is loved and depending on you. You don't make an adoption plan because you don't want the child. By making an adoption plan you show that you are a good mother because you are doing the best you can to give your child the best in life. Adoption isn't really about you. Adoption really isn't about me. Its about the child.

Josh's birthday thoughts

One year older and wiser too.....

Hello everyone, Josh here invading Savannah's blog for a moment with some thoughts on my birthday, and the year that has past. To start with, I had heard that when you turn the age that your birthday falls on, it's supposed to be a very good year, so last year I turned 27 on the 27th, something big had to be coming.

The winter passed without much incident, it snowed some, it was cold, then the warmth of spring came. Much like other years my faith waxed and waned like it always has. We were still not parents yet, although we had been contacted by a scammer who got my hopes up and them smashed them to pieces.

Wanting some control back I expanded our family in a different way, we got Sage. I now had some control back in what happened to my family and it was wonderful. I love my puppy, and it has been nice to have a dog around to walk and play tug of war with, but I was still expecting something big, then came summer.

With the warm summer months upon us Savannah and I decided to tackle the 101 things to see and do in the Uintah Basin. We started off with a bang but got stuck on the "Fishing for bluegill at Pelican Lake," I can honestly say I haven't had that much fun fishing since I was a little kid going to the mountains with my family on our annual pack trips. So we have now found a new fishing spot, it was a nice change but still not the big thing that I was expecting.

We also tried backpacking this summer, A fun trip into beautiful country, country that I love very much and was so glad that I was finally able to share with Savannah. We both has a good time and Sage was in 7th heaven, but still not the big thing I was expecting, maybe fall would hold the big excitement for my 27th year.

The end of July saw us once again going to the annual FSA confrence, it was there that I decided that Savannah has a fairly faithful following of couples hoping to adopt like us. I had to go out to the car for something and Savannah stayed inside, on my way to the car several women who I didn't know said hello to me and asked about Savannah. They recognized my hat, I love that hat. The conference was wonderful, and we were able to meet new friends and have a wonderful time. I look forward to conference more than Christmas each year. At the end of the weekend I felt different, I was uplifted as I have been at the end of each conference, but this year was different, I cold now sense something big coming for us, I have no idea how I knew this but I knew that something was going to happen and it was going to be big, but what was it?

With the coming of September, the obvious excitement of fall hit me, Dallon was coming home, the hunts started soon, and we were going to the Book cliffs in November. I lay awake one Friday night in mid September and listened to elk bugle above the house here all night long, maybe fall would see the big something coming, maybe in the way of a big elk or deer. Well it was a good thought anyway. The hunts came and went and were fairly uneventful. But on the 20th of October a very small thing happened, we got an email from a potential birth mother. Dallon was coming home in a week, and here was this email. At first I didn't know what to think other than it was a good thing. I felt good about it but nerves and fears of scams past kept me from getting too terribly excited.

October 31st, Dallon came home and I went to the mountain alone, I had a sense of sadness that I have never felt before this day. I was of course excited to see Dallon again, two year is a long time to be without my brother and best friend. But I was sad because I was so sure when he left that when he came home Savannah and I would have a baby, and he was coming home and we didn't have one yet. I went to the mountain and walked out on a long ridge overlooking a deep canyon. I sat down for a moment and told my concerns to my Father in Heaven. I explained that I wanted Savannah to be a mother and I wanted to be a father, but I wasn't sure how much more I could take. If it was to forever be just her and I and the cats and the dog, I would accept that. I would love my nephews fiercely and would be a serious contender for the worlds best uncle. And if I was to never have to change diapers or get to experience 2:00 feeding, I would survive, I was saddened because of the loss of these things but I would get through it. Then I had a feeling, a feeling that I don't often get probably because I don't listen for it often enough, but this feeling told me that the Lord was aware of Savannah and I, he knew of my struggles and heartache and he hadn't abandoned my yet, so I shouldn't abandon him. The words "wait just a bit longer Josh, you're tough enough just a bit longer" were running through my head all that day. I had a feeling of peace that I have not known since I knew that we were meant to start on this adoption journey.

November saw Steve and Dallon hunting elk in the Book cliffs. They both got elk, and I had a wonderful time on the hunt just being with them and the rest of the family there. But we had also been receiving a few emails from this potential birth mother. I was actually getting pretty excited about her. Days that we didn't hear from her were longer than days that we did, And as Dallon and I went to camp late one night I told him about her. I was excited about where this might end up and had to tell someone.

Thanksgiving we decided to tell our family and a few friends about "C", the birth mother we were in contact with. We asked for prayers on her behalf and on ours as well. Never in my life have I felt the power of prayers offered on my behalf like I have that week after Thanksgiving. I felt like my "Big thing" was getting closer and closer, then on a lazy Sunday afternoon "C" emailed us and said that she wanted to meet. Savannah called her on the phone and I paced close by eavesdropping on as much of their conversation as I could. The word "Excitement" cannot do justice to the feelings that I had during that phone call. I think Savannah stated it best on her face book status as "Big things happening right this second."

December 4th, I have never been so excited and nervous as I was that day. The drive from home to the city was filled with nerve racking excitement and nervous energy, I think I could have run part way there. As is usual with my driving in the city, we got lost, then got found again, then we found her house. As I stepped out of the car in her driveway I felt the spirit of the Lord so strong, giving me the strength I needed to walk to the front door and knock. She opened the door, Savannah gave her a hug, and the nerves went away. I cannot explain it but it was as if I have known her forever. We had a wonderful visit, I did not want the night to end. As we took her home after dinner, the tears came. She stated it as she said that she felt the spirit so strong, and as she told her mom and dad the we were "Awesome"

As we got in the car to come home tears wet my cheeks. Yes me who tries to be big and tough was crying because of a 16 year old girl. The drive home was long, I didn't want to leave the city, she is amazing and I wanted to stay there and learn all I could about her. When we got home we turned on the computer and there was the email, she had chosen us! An email on the 20th of October, such a little thing, and an email on the 4th of December Big thing, both connected but the small thing turned into my BIG THING!

The last few weeks have been a blur, I live for daily emails from Celeste, we went and saw her again last night. I have never met anyone so amazing, so strong, brave, and wonderful as her. She is now part of my family and I don't have the words to describe how I feel.

So now I start 28. Big things await us from here on out, and I'll never be the same man I was, I can only hope that I am better, worthy of the blessings I have received. For my Savannah, and all that she is and does for me. For Celeste and the light and the hope she has given me, for making this big tough cowboy cry more than once now. And for our child, I'll meet you this year, and I am sure there will be tears because of you too. I can't wait to tell you your story, and tell you about all the wonderful people who helped bring you to us. One year older and wiser, and hopefully I am getting better with age.

Nobody told me...

In all this time, we've been given a lot of advice and words of wisdom.

Some we have liked, others we've tried to appreciate the person for their efforts.

"You're time will come."

"Just be patient."

"It's all about the Lord's timing."

"It will be worth it."

Nobody has told us how

wonderful it would be.

Nobody told us how exciting

that first email is.

Or each one after that.

Nobody told us how scary that

first phone call is.

Nobody told us how easy

it would be to meet her.

Nobody told us how much

we would love her.

Nobody warned us about all the

new emotions that come along

after being picked.

To read the sad ending to this please read Unchosen.

End of National Adoption Month

I have LOVED blogging about adoption all month long. I love adoption and wanted to end the month with a bang.

Did anyone catch on to THIS post on Thanksgiving? Particularly the letter E for emails? I won't make you click back. Here's the line I was talking about:

Emails from C - If I go a day or two without them, my mood starts to turn sour. I LIVE for these emails.

Let me tell you, I am not the best secret keeper, but this time I am pretty proud of myself. On October 20th we received an email. I called Josh to inform him we had another scam. That's what they always are. Then I started to count weeks and it actually matched up. This was a possible lead.

Every time we get an email from a potential birth mother my first reaction is to find the LDSFS office nearest to them and send them the contact information. That seems to be the fastest way to weed out scam. I didn't get the urge to do that this time. This time (after that first 5 minutes) I started to get excited.

Five weeks! Five weeks of bliss. For the most part I managed to keep my secret. At first we told two people, our caseworker and a friend of mine that has been blessed several times through adoption. After that I did pretty good. We were already emailing C when the paper interviewed us. When people asked how things were coming, the best I could do to not outright lie was say "I'm happy with how things are right now."

In the last two weeks we started telling friends and family. I was able to have some good visits with others who are waiting. I wanted to make sure they heard it from me and not somewhere else. I was had last Monday when a friend asked how things were. We had just started telling people and I hadn't said anything at work yet. But I paused too long and she knew something was up.

We have been emailing back and forth with C for over a month now. But the highlight happened on Sunday. After exchanging several hurried emails we decided to just call her. And we plan to meet her SOON. Santa's schedule is messing things up, but we are going to meet her hopefully in the next week or two.

Please pray for us and even more importantly, please pray for her. We don't want to share her name yet, but just pray for our birth mom C and heaven will know who you are talking about. Please pray that she can find peace and comfort as she struggles with her circumstance and the decision she needs to make and please pray that if she does choose adoption, we will be the family she chooses.

*To read the sad ending to this story, please read Unchosen.

Guest Blogger - Things to not ask a birth mother

One of the funnest things this month has been reading other blogs about adoption. A few weeks ago I found a birth mother blog, The Happiest Sad. I LOVED reading her story. I realize I will never understand all that a birth mother goes through, but I appreciate her for opening my eyes to so many things. Thank you Jill for letting me repost your blog on things to not say to a birth mother.

HOW TO IRRITATE A BIRTH MOTHER

I love being a birth mother. Knowing that I helped to create an eternal family, that my sweet baby won’t want for anything including a father, means the world to me. Adoption is such an amazing thing and I am blessed to have it (and Roo) in my life.

But there are times when I wish I didn’t feel the burden of responsibility, the need to educate the world about adoption. I wish I didn’t have to be an adoption mythbuster and tell people why they shouldn’t ask the questions they do.

I believe that for the most part, most people are mostly good. I know that people don’t mean to offend me or other birth mothers when they say the things they do. But the fact remains that they have offended me, or bothered me, or irritated me, or made me want to smack them.

I know that there are a number of similar such lists floating around the internet, but I feel the need to add my two cents’ worth. So here is my list of things one shouldn’t say to a birth mother.

1. “Didn’t you want her?”“Are you serious?” is how I always want to respond to this. I don’t know a single birth mother who didn’t want her baby. I wanted Roo more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. If I had to choose between breathing and Roo, Roo would win every time. I wanted her, and I do want her, and I love her. But this wasn’t about me or what I wanted. It couldn’t be. It had to be about what was best for Roo, and adoption was it.

2. “I could never do that.” This one is infamous in the adoption world. I think this of all statements is the one that most would consider harmless. But when I hear that, I want to ask, “Why? Why couldn’t you do that? Wouldn’t you want the best for your baby?” So often the tone in which it is said implies that the birth mother has erred or acted impulsively or been careless, or that she did it because she doesn’t love her child. Adoption is not a choice made lightly or impulsively, and it is certainly not made because of a lack of love. Adoption *is* love.

As my friend Tamra says, if I’d loved my baby just an ounce less, I would have kept her. I placed her because I love her. I also liked Tamra’s advice to me on dealing with this comment. She said to tell people, “No, you probably couldn’t,” in a tone that implies that I am a much stronger person than they are.

If you would say to a birth mom, “I could never do that” to try to tell her that you admire her strength and courage, consider phrasing it differently. Just tell her that you admire her strength and courage and that you can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her.

3. “I’m sure you did what was best for you.”Someone actually said this to me and I wanted to hurt them. Does anyone really, truly believe that I chose adoption for my sake? It wasn’t best for me. What was best for me was keeping and parenting the daughter I loved so very much. Placing her was hell for me, certainly not best for me. If it was about me, I’d still be a single mother. I did what was best for Roo. Period.

4. “Will she call you mom when she’s older?”Of course not. Why would she? I’m not her mother. M is her mother. She can call me whatever she wants to. “Jill” would work just fine.

5. “Won’t she be confused about who her mom is, having you in her life?”Well, let’s see. One of us will feed her, dress her, bathe her, read to her, sing songs with her, play with her, teach her, give her hugs and kisses and tend to her boo-boos and take her to primary and listen when she talks and make sure she’s happy and healthy and smart, be married to Roo’s father and live in the same home, in short, be her mother; and one of us will … visit from time to time. Nope, sorry, I don’t see any confusion there.

Roo will know that she grew in my tummy before she was born, and that I made sure she got to her mommy and daddy. I don’t think she will ever, for a second, be confused about exactly who is her mother.

Going along with that question, people will opine that openness must surely mess with a child’s identity and sense of self. Well, how on earth does having more people in Roo’s life who love her, mess with her? You can’t spoil a child with love. Roo has two families who love her. She will know exactly who she is. Studies show that open adoption is mutually beneficial. All members of the adoption triad find peace and joy in openness.

6. “Oh, you took the easy way out.”This is another statement that makes me want to hurt the speaker. There hasn’t been a single easy thing about adoption. I didn’t place Roo because being her mother was too hard. Being a mother wasn’t something I wanted out of! What was hard was placing her for adoption. I have never felt sorrow and despair so deep as I did when I drove home from LDSFS without Roo in the car. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the pain nearly undid me. Don’t think for one second that adoption is the easy way out. It’s not easy and it’s not an out.

7. “Well, now that she’s been adopted, you can get back to being young and having fun.”Oh, honestly. I couldn’t believe it when someone said that to me. Did they really think that I placed Roo because she was interfering with my social life? I would take Roo over fun and youth in a second. But I can’t have Roo. So I go out with friends instead. That doesn’t mean I placed her so I could go out and have fun.

8. “You made the right decision.” (said with an air of judgmental superiority)Well, thanks. I’m sure glad to know that you thought I made the wrong decision when I single parented for nine weeks. And thanks for judging me and deciding what’s right for me and my baby, too. Because that was totally your call to make.

Adoption was the right decision for Roo, but not right away, and I don’t think that it’s the right decision for everyone. When someone says this to me, I wonder what they say to single mothers, women who chose parenting over adoption. “You made the wrong decision”? How rude and judgmental!

Yes, I made the right decision for Roo. But the rightness of it was for me to determine, and I don’t need anyone else to confirm it for me.

9. “You know, you could have sold her for millions! People will pay a killing for a healthy white baby.”People will say this jokingly, but it always makes me sick. A child is not a commodity to be bought and sold. I didn’t place her for any kind of physical gain and I never, ever would. No one should. Period.

10. “Will she know that you’re her real mom?”Sorry, I’m not her “real” mom. M is. And what’s a real mom, anyway? I didn’t place Roo with a family of cardboard cutouts. Calling me Roo’s real mom implies that M is … what, her fake mom? Uh-uh. I am Roo’s birth mother, not her real mother. Same goes for the phrase “natural mother.” What constitutes an unnatural mother? There’s a lot of negative adoption language out there I’d like to change, like …

11. “Oh, what made you decide to give your baby away?”Excuse me, but I didn’t give her away. I didn’t put up an ad on Craigslist, “I’m giving away my baby, does anyone want her?” I placed her for adoption, but I certainly didn’t and wouldn’t ever give her away. I gave her a family. People who ask this question always want to know when P and M will tell Roo that she’s “not really theirs.” That’s funny. I was under the impression that she was really theirs. Hmm. That’s news to me! Whose is she then?

I’m sure I’ve neglected to mention a few other words and phrases that I loathe hearing, but this is the list for now. One last thing that bothers me is how many people pretend I never had Roo at all. So many people ask how I’ve been, but so few ever think to ask how Roo is doing. I don’t want to ignore those 9 weeks of my life. They are precious and wonderful. I had a baby, and I placed her for adoption. Please don’t pretend none of it happened!

And for the record, I think the best thing to say to a birth mother is, “What a brave woman you are. You must love your baby so much to have done that for her.” And leave it at that, folks, unless she wants to talk.

Thanks Jill. I hope this will help spread the word on how to not treat a birth mother. Thank you for letting me share this.

From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

I LOVE this song. Funny thing, I've loved it since I first heard it as a teenager. I just had no idea what it would mean in my life someday.



Michael McLean also made his song into a book along with 5 other awesome adoption songs and there is a CD included with the book. Everytime I play the CD hubs declares that I need to dusty because clearly it's the dust in the room that makes his eyes water. Actually that could be a very valid point, I hate to dust. But he only delcares the room dusty when I play adoption books so I think he's trying to hide the fact that he feels emotions strong enough to make him cry. (But he only cries when it's adoption related, the rest of the time he's a big tough man.)

Birth Mom Missions

I have yet to meet a birth mom that I don't like so I know when we finally meet ours we are going to totally hit it off. I've started a new category in my blog roll (because clearly I don't follow ENOUGH blogs!) for birth mom blogs. I hope that my blog can become a wealth of knowledge on all things adoption.

The newest birth mom site I found is Birth Mom Missions. It's pretty cool. My favorite post (so far) is A Birth Mom's View of Adoptive Parents Profiles. I realize that it all boils down to finding the right family, but I loved some of the points. When we first started our profile, I'll admit, we were lacking in the picture department. We've already taken some of the points, like action shots and pictures with our nephews. I never really thought about doing pictures with kids. I had tons of pics of our family, but that is just me and Josh. But we now have a few pictures with our nephews and I think it adds a lot to our profile. Good thing I have such cute nephews to really dress up our profile!

Go check out this Birth Mom Missions site and if you have any great birth mom blogs you follow, leave their link in the comments section so I can add them to my list.

Adoption and Abortion

Finding Faith Friday - Birth Mother

On my Infertility Blog, each Friday I do a Finding Faith Friday. It has been a great way to help me move forward and to find the comfort I need from my Savior. Since it is National Adoption Month I have choose to highlight the article, The Gift of Adoption, from the February 2009 article. I know I talked about this article when it came out, but it's such a great article I feel the need to talk about it again. It is broke into 4 sections; today I posted some parts from the Birth Mother. Click HERE to view it.

When we first started the adoption process, our birth mother was the first thing on our minds. She is going to give life to our child. We quickly learned that with open adoption, we are very likely to have a great relationship with her. We are excited for that. There is nothing wrong with more people loving your child.

We have yet to experience it, but in visiting with those who have adopted, it looks like Placement Day will be the best and worst day of our lives. Great, because we will finally be parents, but worst because we are going to watch our birth moms heart break. I don't think it is something we can prepare for. We already love our birth mom so much, I hate to think about us being the reason her heart breaks. But I do know that the Savior will carry us all through. I'm just so grateful for open adoption.

Spreading the good word of adoption

We were in the paper this week. I was really hoping to get a family to volunteer to do their adoption story, but then I decided it was just as important to address the waiting that comes with adoption. You can read our story HERE. My favorite part of the interview was visiting with the two sisters as they talked about their family and their birth mom. It was amazing to feel the love they have for a birth mom they don't know, but it makes me so grateful that adoption has changed and we can have a relationship with our birth mom.

16 and Pregnant

MTV has a series called "16 and Pregnant." I just found out that I can watch last nights episode on line. Last night the couple choose to make an adoption plan. If you have 45 minutes go HERE and watch it.


Here are some of my thoughts as I watched it.


I love how when they get to the agency they immediately talk about having an open adoption with continue communication. That is something new in the adoption world, and I don't think many people understand that after an adoption you can keep contact with the birth parents. Thank you for letting the world know it is possible.


I love how Tyler stands up to his dad and declares that his child deserves better than what they have. I love how Tyler is putting his child before himself. What selfless love these two have for their little girl. I love how they realize that this child will need more than love to do well in this world.


I loved watching them meet their birth parents. I know that someday we will get to do that, but I am so nervous. I also loved how they continued to get to know each other. I love that Tyler and Catelynn made their little girl a scrapbook, what a great idea!


Tyler's letter! I can't stop crying. I have been so impressed by Tyler. What an outstanding young man.

I wish their parents would have been more supportive. How sad for Tyler and Catelynn. The fact that they went through with their plan speaks volumes of how mature they really are, unlike their parents who threw immature tantrums and tried guilt trips.

I am so heart broken from them. Especially that Catelynn thought it would be easier if she never saw her little girl. I'm so glad she changed her mind and held her little girl.

I have mixed feelings about their case worker. She was so awesome in the beginning, helping them find a family and giving them so much support. But then in the delivery room she seemed kind of pushy. I realize the adoptive couple is waiting outside, but they will get this little girl for the rest of their lives. Catelynn and Tyler should be able to have some time to themselves so give this girl all their love.

Unfortunately the hateful comments have started. Please go leave these wonderful people some positive love.

I need a pick me up...

We were contacted by another scammer.

So in trying to lift my spirits and restore my hope I found these great videos about adoption.

A Pray of Faith and a Kiss for Good Luck

A few weeks ago we had someone email us. It was an agency and they were having a hard time finding a couple for a birth mom. It was out of state and it was a LOT of money. It was so hard to tell them no, but it just didn't feel right.

Let me make it clear that we are not looking for A baby, we are looking for OUR baby.

Last night I had a dear friend email me about a possible situation. It is in Utah and it's not quite as much money (although it is still about $12,000 more than we had originally planned to spend when we chose our agency 2 years ago). This situation feels...different. It's hard to explain. But we went ahead and mailed them some of our information after sending them an email that we might be interested. I also just spoke with them on the phone and I am working to get a few more things together for them. I was too nervous to ask how many other couples they are looking at. He did say that they are trying to get a number of profiles together to present to her on Wednesday.

I want to get excited, but for now I am in neutral. After all the excitement in February that wasn't real, I have to shift to neutral. I don't want to get excited only to hurt again. Please pray for us, but also pray for this birth mom. She is making an incredible decision right now in regards to her child. She needs all the prayers she can get. Pray that she can make the right decision, even if it isn't us. I know of several couples who received the same email I did and I forwarded it to a few more. They all deserve a child just as much as we do.

We also need some prayers for other reasons, but they are too personal to share. Please just pray that our minds can be in tune with what is best for us and our family.

Check out this adoption blog

I am a BIG fan of the R House Blog. For starters her boys are just about the cutest EVER (look for their pictures in the left sidebar). The writer of the R House is a huge adoption advocate. Last week she is doing guest appearances by others who are in the adoption world. Every day was an AMAZING POST.

Click HERE to go to her blog or click HERE to just see her guest appearances. Or click on both, it really is a great blog.

Tuesday's post made me cry. A lot. The poem that he wrote for his mother...well I can't find the right word because awesome, amazing, wonderful just don't justify it. If you don't click on any of the links I have included today, please be sure to check out Tuesday's post and read it. To read more of his story on the R House blog click HERE.

Wednesday's post made me cry. I know the pain of infertility and just how much it hurts. I will NEVER know the pain that a birth mother goes through. They are such amazing people and I am sure that they will be in the highest degree of glory in Heaven.

Thursday's post made me cry. We don't have a birth mother yet, but I think of her everyday. I wonder if what she is doing, if she is okay, what she looks like... I pray for her everyday and hope the best for her.

Friday's Post and Saturday's Post is a two part post. It is long, but well worth reading. It's a birth mother story that just makes me want to cry some more. I hope that someday we can have an amazing birth mother like this person. I also hope and pray that we can have a great relationship like she shares with the family that adopted her baby

Sigh, I want so badly to be a part of the adoption world...

The Gift of Adoption

The February Ensign has a great article this month about adoption. I was so embarrassed today when someone mentioned it in church. I hadn't even opened my Ensign yet. The LDS church did a wonderful job of putting it together and they made sure to tell about the miracle of adoption from the different parties involved. Click HERE to read the full article.

It starts with the story of a wonderful birth mom who became pregnant at age 16. Her journey toward her choice to place her child was amazing, but as always the case it is also heartbreaking. Here is a little part of her story.
"To say that I cried would be to put it mildly. My heart was full and broken at the same time. How could I feel such peace in a decision that brought so much pain? I later realized that I had brought much heartache and pain into my life and the lives of those intertwined with mine because I had let selfish desires override my long-term goals. But here, I had been given an opportunity to put aside what I wanted most—to keep this child—and to give her something better."
"Giving birth to a beautiful little girl was miraculous. I loved holding her and rocking her. She was so beautiful, and I cried many times her first night on earth. I knew that the next day would bring heartache when it was time to say good-bye.
What made that pain bearable was knowing that placing her for adoption was right. It was the hardest—but most right—thing I have ever done. I signed the papers through sheets of tears and then leaned on family and friends for support. My tears weren’t the only ones shed that day or in the days to come."

They then have a birth father tell his story. You don't hear as much about them, but they are just as incredible as the birth mothers. What an incredible man to realize that this responsibility doesn't always mean having to marry the girl simply out of obligation. It is better for a child to be raised in a family with both a mom and dad that love each other as much as they love their children. In some cases, it is best for the parents to marry. That is their decision to make. But if they realize that they would only be making things worse and instead choose to place their child in a family that it can become a part of eternally, that is true unconditional love. Here is the part of his story that just had me in tears.
"We felt strongly that our child was to go to these parents, a decision we felt confirmed in prayer and again later when Andrea and I met the family.
The day Jenna was born was more incredible and miraculous than we could ever have imagined. We kept her with us the first few days, and when the day came to take Jenna to her new family, we felt we couldn’t do it. Three hours after we were supposed to have been at the LDS Family Services office, we still hadn’t left my parents’ house. I asked my father to give each of us a priesthood blessing. Among the things he blessed us with was the ability to do the right thing.
We finally left for LDS Family Services. Again, we felt a strong Spirit confirming that this was the right thing, yet when Andrea and I stepped out of the office to return home, I felt the saddest I have ever felt. Neither of us said a word as we drove away. We just cried. That was the most difficult day of my life.
The next week—and the next month—were also hard. But Andrea and I kept moving forward as much as we could. Attending group sessions was helpful because parents who had been through what we were going through were there to talk about their experience, to encourage us, and to remind us not to give up hope in the future—for Jenna or for ourselves."

There is more people that are affected by adoption; the grandparents of the child. I can imagine that as a parent this would be heart wrenching. As parents we want to fix everything for our kids, but that's not always possible, especially when they become parents themselves.
"The day our grandson was born was a bittersweet one. What a beautiful baby! It would have been easy to change our minds—after all, children are raised by single mothers and grandparents all of the time. Surely we could do it too. But we knew the Lord’s will, and we knew that it was in this child’s best interest for the adoption to proceed. After spending two days with our daughter and grandson in the hospital, my wife and I watched with tears streaming down our faces as Katie handed her son to the caseworker. She exclaimed, “I can’t believe I just did that!” and ran back to her hospital room to cry. My wife later commented that she had never seen greater love than she did as she watched Katie that day. Adoption, she said, truly is about love."

The last story they tell, is to me, the most important one; the adopted child.
"One of my earliest memories is looking up at my mother after she had tucked me in and asking her if she would tell me a different bedtime story. After all, she had been telling me the same story every night for as long I could remember.
It always started with these words: “Once upon a time, there was a mommy and daddy who wanted very much to have a baby of their own.” It wasn’t a fable or a fairy tale but the story of our family and how I came to be a part of it. Because I had heard the story repeated so often, adoption was never a mysterious or uncomfortable topic. I learned from the beginning that I was meant to be with my family—I had just come a different way."

Now, I must take a moment here to get on my soap box. The story from the adopted child goes on to say that his parents were blessed with another miracle and they were able to produce children of their own after adopting her. I may have become mad at this point and put (threw) the article down. That really only happens to about 3% of infertile couples. I get so tired of hearing so-and-so adopted and then they had children of their own. First off, just having a child through pregnancy does not make them more your own verses adopting them. But the important part to remember is that adopting does not result in pregnancy. Yes, for those FEW that is happens to that is wonderful, but it really doesn't happen as often as the world thinks. That is why I never want to be pregnant. I don't want to be THAT person that is always mentioned to other infertile couples struggling to have children. Adoption is not a choice that is reached easily for most couples, and it usually isn't a QUICK FIX to parenthood. Adoption is the most spiritual thing a person can ever do with their life and should not be taken lightly. We know that we were chosen before coming to earth to adopt and only the most special couples get such a wonderful privilege.
With all that said, I should probably climb back down off the soap box, but if anyone ever suggests that our adopting will help us get pregnant, I may have to punch you. Consider yourself warned.
Oh, and please go read this article, The Gift of Adoption.

200

This is my 200th post and I want to do something special to mark the moment. But 200 is a big number. I don’t know that I could think of 200 things to name off except maybe books I own (I own around 250). That sounds long and boring.
I have already on numerous occasions listed things about me, but I fear to mention even more weird unknown facts about myself.
I thought about doing a tribute to my wonderful husband, but our anniversary is in a week so I am trying to save up all the compliments I can think of for then.
Since this blog is supposed to be about us trying to adopt I have chosen to take this moment and write a short essay of 200 words I would like to say to our birth mother when we have a child placed with us.

We will never understand the heartache and pain you have gone through as you have come to the decision to place your child, but we do understand how much you love this special little person that will bless all our lives.
We promise to raise this child with all the love we have and to make sure they know of the love you have for them. We hope that you will continue to be a part of our lives and be able to watch with us as your child grows up to be the person we all hope them to be. We know because of this selfless act of love that you are showing, they will be a better person. You have given us the most wonderful gift there is to give. A gift of love. A gift that means the world to us and will also mean the world to your child. A gift that will be a part of our family forever.
We will never be able to repay you for what you have given us, but not a day will pass that we won’t thank the Lord for you. We respect you, we love you. God bless.