Hello World

"Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world"

One of my New Years Resolutions is to try to find more joy in everyday life. Infertility has held me prisoner for too long. I became so caught up in my infertility that I lost everything else about me. Now I slowly feel like I am rediscovering myself. I can't be a mom, but I can still be other things.

I am a wife.

I am an aunt.

I am a mom to too many cats.

I am a friend.

I am a crafter.

I am a somewhat good cook.

I am a wanna be amateur photographer.

I am a over zealous blogger.

I am someone who enjoys good company.

I am someone who enjoys reading.

I am someone who enjoys girls nights.

I am someone who loves learning new things.

I am a child of God.

I think I still have a ways to go before I feel complete and content with the life I have, but I'm enjoying my journey as I look for other ways to enjoy life.

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls

Top video screams at me through my tinted windows I see

A little girl, rust red minivan

She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands

And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

Broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little hole, and a little girl

Well hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church

Its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

Maybe I should stop in and say a prayer

Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what livings for and I hear my life

through my front door

And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl

Hello world, hello world

All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here

Just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world, hello world

Hello world

(Lady Antebellum "Hello world" lyrics found on http://www.songlyrics.com/)

Formspring question answered - What would you say?

do you know/know of, the new parents? if you could what would you like to say to/ask them?

This question kept me up all night.

I had a few journal entries where I had copied things that C wrote on her myspace and in emails she wrote us about how much she loves her baby. I would want to them know those things just to make sure they know how much she loves the life she carries.

C is amazing, please love her for the wonderful person she is. Open adoption seemed very important to her, please make sure you keep contact after placement. Try to get in lots of visits so she can see her baby and be sure to send her lots of pictures. Please love her and watch out over her and pray for her. I still love her so much...

I'm not sure how I would end it though. Its been hard to accept why she chose someone else, but I try to remind myself that this couple also suffers from infertility and I feel compassionate towards them. Infertility is so hard, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even them. And really, how can I even think to blame them for my grief. I don't blame C either. Most days I blame God. Why did we meet someone so wonderful and get to have the hope of being parents only to have it taken away. I ask a lot of why's to God these days....

I also try to remember that God's hand is in the creation of all families and her choosing them has probably felt like a miracle in their lives.Now I'm just back to waiting for a miracle of our own.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

Formspring - Ask me a question!

I seem to have lost my blogger mojo over the last few months so I thought I would sign up for Formspring and see if I can dig up something to blog about. The widget is in my left sidebar or you can click HERE to ask me a question. You can do it anonymously so feel free to ask anything.

Ask about adoption.

Ask my favorite _______.

Ask how I spend my time on the weekends.

Ask about my kitties.

Ask ANYTHING!

Please ask me something so I'll have something to talk about. I really do miss blogging.

A Pray of Faith and a Kiss for Good Luck

A few weeks ago we had someone email us. It was an agency and they were having a hard time finding a couple for a birth mom. It was out of state and it was a LOT of money. It was so hard to tell them no, but it just didn't feel right.

Let me make it clear that we are not looking for A baby, we are looking for OUR baby.

Last night I had a dear friend email me about a possible situation. It is in Utah and it's not quite as much money (although it is still about $12,000 more than we had originally planned to spend when we chose our agency 2 years ago). This situation feels...different. It's hard to explain. But we went ahead and mailed them some of our information after sending them an email that we might be interested. I also just spoke with them on the phone and I am working to get a few more things together for them. I was too nervous to ask how many other couples they are looking at. He did say that they are trying to get a number of profiles together to present to her on Wednesday.

I want to get excited, but for now I am in neutral. After all the excitement in February that wasn't real, I have to shift to neutral. I don't want to get excited only to hurt again. Please pray for us, but also pray for this birth mom. She is making an incredible decision right now in regards to her child. She needs all the prayers she can get. Pray that she can make the right decision, even if it isn't us. I know of several couples who received the same email I did and I forwarded it to a few more. They all deserve a child just as much as we do.

We also need some prayers for other reasons, but they are too personal to share. Please just pray that our minds can be in tune with what is best for us and our family.

Re-Introduction

Welcome to my blog (again). When I first entered the blogging world my purpose was to create something that would make it easier for our birth parents to stay a part of our lives. I wanted a place where I could post picture and stories of our children as they grew.

Then something happened; I became addicted. I pride myself on not being too caught up in this technical age. I don't text, in fact, all I do with my cell phone is make phone calls (because that's what I think a cell phone should be used for). We still own the original PlayStation. I joined Face book and thought it to be lame. But blogging...I was totally caught up in that.

Something amazing has happened over the last 6 months. I have been able to let go of pain, to finally forgive, and to heal. I think blogging has helped with that. It amazes me that when I write things down it helps release the pressure that was built up behind the pain.

At first I was scared to share my feelings, to expose myself like that. But it's hard keeping up a brave face all day and then crying in my bed all night. I started numerous posts about our infertility, only to delete them because I thought they would reveal too much. But then I realized that they would only reveal the truth. I am only human. I have my own trials and sometimes they are hard. But each day life goes on and that is why I try to put a smile on my face and trudge on forward.

Choosing a new title for this blog was harder than I thought it would be. The humor in me wanted to do something funny, some catchy, something original yet slightly strange. But a part of me wanted to make a title that could become my new mantra. Something that would inspire me to keep hoping, to keep dreaming, to have faith.

There is a song by Michael McLean called "Something Perfect." I hope that some day soon we will be living this song.

There's an ache that's missing today.

There's an emptiness that's been filled.

There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away.

There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled.

There's a joy that's real.

There's a wound that's finally healed.

There's a future replacing a past.

There's breath of new life in the cast.

And there's something perfect happening here.

And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.

And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.

This something that's perfect happening here.

No one knows, so no one can say

That tomorrow all will be well.

Will the brightest promise that shines on today

Shine tomorrow? No one can tell.

But one thing is sure

And will be forever more

When such unselfish love has been given.

The world just made more room for Heaven.

And there's something perfect happening here.

And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.

And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.

This something that's perfect happening here.

I wanted to name my blog Something Perfect. I wanted it to be a reminder to look for something perfect in my life everyday. I have a nice home in the most beautiful country that God created. I have my kittens. I have a great family and wonderful friends. And I am married to the most wonderful man there is. He loves me and does his best to show me that everyday.

Unfortunately that name was taken. I tried several other song titles that inspire me, but I kept coming back to this song. That is when Countless Tomorrows jumped out at me. Everyday is a new day and we have plenty of tomorrows to look forward to. I can't wait.

Open book...I want to hear from you!

I just wanted to mention that I love hearing from everyone, so please feel free to post a comment whenever you want. Or better yet, ask me any questions you want. I've seen this on other blogs and it looks fun. They can be adoption related or anything else. For security purposes I won't go into a ton of details like where we live or anything to personal like that. If I understand my settings right, anyone can post a comment. If you aren't a registered Google user you should be able to type in your name or even click on anonymous.

So go ahead, treat this like an OPEN BOOK.

I should mention that I have the comment moderation turned on; simply because I realized I was missing some comments that were being posted. This way I have to review them before they are published and I won't miss out on any. It there is any rude or insensitive comments I will reject those. I haven't had a problem with that yet, but I have friends who get a lot of abuse about their decisions to adopt and that to me is just plain mean, so play nice.