Adios Gallbladder

Wednesday, June 22, was just a normal day. When I got home from work, I had about an hour to kill before Preston's last t-ball game. I knew if I didn't exercise before, I wouldn't get it down afterwards. So I didn't even go in the house. I jumped on my bike and took off down the road. I learned a few things on this bike ride. 1) I should change out of my work clothes first. And 2) There is a constant, gradual incline ALL THE WAY back to my house from the store. I still have a few minutes after my bike ride, so I had a bowl of cereal and then took off for the ball game.

That night I woke up in the most SEVERE pain I have ever experienced in my life. It was about 11:00, so I had only been asleep for about an hour. I had no idea what was wrong. My back hurt so BAD. I got up and took some ibuprofen. Then I tried to lay down again, but I couldn't, it hurt so bad. I tried sitting in the recliner, but that wasn't much better.

The attacks made me feel like the walking dead, as demonstrated by Buddy. 

About 1:00 I remember I had some prescription pain killers from last fall. I also thought of going to the ER, but I was home alone and knew I couldn't drive myself. I took the prescription pain pill and then tried sleeping on the couch. I think I finally feel asleep around 3:30. Then I was back up at 5:30 to get ready for work.

Thursday was a LONG day! I was so out of it. I tried to get off early, but the gal I asked had plans. I'm sure I still could have got the afternoon off, but I stuck it out. I had carpooled with someone that day, so after work, I got a ride to my mom's and sat in her hot tub. The pain was pretty much gone, but I still thought it would be relaxing. Josh picked me up that night on his way home from work. I was still out of it, so dinner was take out which included a large shake and a large order of onion rings. Despite that meal, I slept fine that night.

A few nights later, I was up again. I went straight for the prescription pills and then got online and started researching gallbladder attacks. I now had some sort of answer. The next day I was in to see a doctor. He told me, that is was most likely my gallbladder, but they needed to do some test to be sure. The first test was an ultrasound. It was only 50% accurate. It would either show a problem or it wouldn't. Even if it didn't show a problem, it could still be my gallbladder. In that case I would move on to the drink the gunk test, which he told me could trigger an attack. I was not thrilled about volunteering to start an attack.

I went home that night and was upset about the 50% accuracy. So I called back the next day and asked if I could skip that and go to the other test. But insurance would only pay for the 2nd test after an ultrasound. Here is where you start to notice how SLOW our local hospital is. They couldn't get me in for an ultrasound for a WEEK! In that time I had 3 more attacks, 2 in just one night;.

The ultrasound was pretty boring on my end. I just laid there and let the tech do her thing. When it was done, she said my doctor would probably call in about 24 hours. She must have seen the tears in my eyes, because I said "Can't you give me a hint?" She told me that the wall looks a little thick and she thought she could see some sludge, but she wasn't sure. It would be up to my doctor to make that call. But overall, she didn't think it looked to healthy.

I waited 24 hours, and then left a message for my doctor. It had been a LONG week by then. Monday was the 4th, so we had that day off. Monday night, I had TWO attacks that had me up all night. I was DEAD at work. Finally a coworker told me to go home. So at lunch I asked for the rest of the day off. I got out to my car and realized there was NO way I would make it home. I KNEW I would fall asleep while driving. So instead I went to my mom's house and crashed on her bed for 3 hours. I thought the highway she lived on would keep me up, but my body was too exhausted to even notice. I woke up about 4:00 and felt better. I was supposed to go to a craft thing that night, but felt like I couldn't since I didn't work all day. So I went back to work for 1 and half hours. Which turned out to be a good idea, because a different coworker saw me out that night with Jessica eating dinner.

Tuesday night I had yet another attack, which was the worst one ever. I was actually praying to pass out because the pain was so bad. I thought about calling in sick, but it was the day of my ultrasound so I had to go to town anyways. But I did skip lunch and take an hour long nap. I think I spent more time napping then eating that week.

Thursday morning the nurse called me back within 5 minutes of me leaving a message. She told me that the doctor said to get my gallbladder out, it didn't look good. So then I called and left a message for the ONLY surgeon at our local hospital. Two hours later, they still hadn't called back, so I went to their office on my lunch break. The doctor couldn't see me until the END of August. I explained my problem and the receptionist told me he was only working 2 days during the month of July and that is why he was backed up so much. She suggested I go to the Vernal hospital if I didn't think I could wait the 6-7 weeks.

I couldn't wait that long. I knew if I had many more attacks, I would probably try to cut it out myself. I also knew I couldn't go to Vernal because they wouldn't accept my insurance. I went back to work and explained my dilemma. JoLynn told me to go to Provo. A few in the office had been out there and really liked their surgeons. I went to hurry and eat my lunch, and when I got back to my desk, there was a copy of their business card on my desk.

The local surgeon couldn't see me for 6 weeks. I called Dr. Peterson in Provo, he could see me the NEXT day for a consult. So I made one more trip to the hospital to get a copy of my ultrasound results to take with me. Then I called my mother in-law and asked if she would go with me. (Josh couldn't get off work with that short of notice and I wanted him to save days off for the surgery anyways. And my mom was out of town.)

From the second I walked into their office, I was impressed. The receptionist had a bling mouse that I thought was cute. She told me it was her way of not growing up. I pointed to the purple feather in my hair and told her that was my way of not growing up. I filled the paperwork out and then was immediately taken back to a room. In our local hospital, you sit in the waiting room for at least an hour. Then the nurse takes you back to a room where you sit for at least 15-30 minutes. I wasn't in the room for a minute and the Physicians assistant came in to talk with me. Then he left and immediately the doctor came in to talk to me. I don't think I spent a total of 15 minutes in their office, and yet all of my needs were met and my questions answered. THAT is service.

In reading the results myself, I thought they didn't sound that bad, which had me worried, because the pain was BAD. But I must not have known what I was reading because he agreed it needed to come out. He asked me when, and I told him as soon as possible. He asked me how Monday was. I was floored! I thought I'd have to wait a week or two, but no, he could cut it out in 2 days. I am never going back to the local hospital. NEVER.

The only thing I could find in common with my attacks was that Josh was never home for them. Which is weird because I eat better when he isn't home. Remember that night of onion rings? No attack, even though they tell you that grease and fat will cause attacks. I've been on a healthy diet so that was really the only grease and fat I had had in months.

That weekend I actually felt better. I don't know why I did better when he was home, but I'm grateful for that. On Sunday night I started to get nervous. I hadn't had an attack for a few days, was I doing the right thing? For a short second I thought, its ok if I have an attack tonight, just to remind me why I'm doing this. But I knew I couldn't keep living like I was. It was affecting all aspects of my life. I wasn't performing well at work. I wasn't sleeping well because of the attacks or because of the fear of the attacks. I knew it needed to come out, but I was still nervous.

I had cleaned like crazy that weekend so my house would be in order. I had made sure to take the feather out of my hair so I wouldn't have any metal on my body. I woke us up an hour too early because I was so nervous. My appointment was at 9:30; we got to the hospital at 8:30. But once again they were fast. They had me right back to do lab work.

By 9:30 I was in the paper gown and my IV was in. I HATE IV's. HATE! Thinking about just the IV made me want to cancel my appointment. But once again, this hospital amazed me. First they gave me a quick shot of numbing stuff. It stung a little, but I didn't feel the IV go in at all, so it was worth it. The nurse who did it, had on a cute shirt that had hello and goodbye in several languages. I looked at the word "adios" and thought it was perfect for the day. "Adios" gallbladder. "Arrivederci" pain.

Because we were an hour early, we did have to wait for a bit before my surgery. At just past 11 they came in to get me. They told Josh the surgery would take about 45 minutes, and then I would have to spend another 45 minutes in the recovery room before they would come get him. I told him I loved him and would see him at 1:00.

I remember them wheeling my bed to the prep room. I met the doctor and the anesthesiologist. They checked my blood pressure, etc. Then they took me to the surgical room. It was FREEZING in there! My paper gown had several holes in it, one of which was used to hook up a hose that blew warm air into my gown. That is the last thing I remember.

Then I remember waking up as they pushed my bed into a room full of other beds, the recovery room. I remember pleading for my husband. I just kept saying his name over and over. Sometimes I was nice and said "please, my husband, please." I could see a clock on the wall as I faded in and out. I remember looking at it once at it was 1:15, then I got worse. I remember trying to sit up, but didn't have the strength. I wanted to yell and cry for Josh, but was too weak.

A picture of my gallbladder and its TONS of stones. Those little things cause HUGE amounts of pain. 

Apparently around this time, the doctor went out to talk to Josh. He told him the procedure went well. He then told him to hurry to my side because I had tried to bite a nurse. I don't know if this is completely true, but I would believe it. I know I was upset that Josh wasn't there with me. Before the procedure, I knew that I would be in the wake up room without him for a bit, but when I woke up, I didn't care.

Josh said when he walked into my room, the nurse was trying to get me to drink a glass of water, but I was still crying for him. I saw him as he got to the side of the bed and I just latched onto his hand. Then everything was ok. He told me to take a drink, and I did. Sometimes he is the only thing that can make me calm down. He fed me some chocolate pudding and all was right in my world.

A while later, the nurse asked if I wanted to try and walk around. I knew I couldn't go home until I did, so I was anxious to try. When I stood up, I thought I was going to pass out, it hurt so BAD! The nurse must have got worried, because she gave me a vomit bag, "just in case." I shuffled down the hallway and went in the restroom. I must have been a while, because the nurse knocked on the door and asked if I was ok.

I made it back to the bed, but it took all of my energy. So we stayed for about another hour or so. During that time, Josh went to their pharmacy to get my prescriptions. I remember why he was gone, the nurses in the hallway were being loud and I told them  "ssh," but I'm sure they didn't hear me.

Originally Josh was only going to take off Monday and then go back to work on Tuesday, but I think my look of weakness scared him, because when he came back, he said he had called and told them he needed Tuesday off also. He had a funny moment while walking back from the pharmacy. He passed a small family of mom, dad and little boy, about 4 years old. The boy was pointing at everything and telling his parents what it was. "Truck" "Garbage" "Cowboy". Only my husband would wear his nicest cowboy hat to the hospital. Which paid off, because when I was asking for my husband in the recovery room, I apparently told them he wouldn't be hard to find, just go find the cowboy. I love that man and his hat.

Josh told me I had to blog this picture. I told him no because I look horrid, but this was less then 24 hours after surgery.  

Flowers from my besties. I love you guys!

Recovery hasn't been overly too bad. Lots of sleeping. Lots of pain pills. But it was worth it. I have four incisions. One in my belly button, one a few inches above that, and two on my right side. The two on the right have never bothered me. The higher one has a little bit, but not much. 99% of my pain has been in my belly button. It hurts to stand up, especially from the couch or the bed. And it hurts to lay down. But through it all, I just keep thinking, even if this pain is a 10, the attacks were a 13-15 on the pain scale, that ends at 10.

One sweet part of the recovery was on Tuesday. To have more room to operate, they had blown my belly full of air. They told me it would take a few days to work its way out and walking was the best thing to help. On Tuesday, I had just sat down in the recliner when one hit my shoulder and it HURT. I couldn't hardly move or breathe it hurt so bad. I had Josh help me up so I could try to walk it out. We went up the hall and back several times. At one point I had to stop for a rest, so I sat on the toilet. He started to comb my hair. I swear he is the sweetest husband ever.

Zipper has never been far from my side through the whole thing. :)

10th Anniversary Getaway

This year we celebrated our 10th Anniversary! I have been so excited to celebrate our anniversary this year. Our anniversary was on February 9th. We wanted to get away for a few nights, but had to wait until this last weekend. That was fine with me because I felt like it made the fun last even longer. For the last two weeks I have told everyone "We're celebrating our 10th Anniversary."

At first we talked about escaping the cold and going to St. George for a weekend, but when I started calling around looking for a room, they were already booked up, and I was calling two months in advance! So then we decided to try something new and go to Logan. We stayed at the Anniversary Inn and LOVED every second of it.

There is so many amazing things about this place! They have themed luxury suites that are so cute. We choose to stay in the "Artic Journey" Room.

Along with our room, we added on the "Adore Me" package. It included:

A single rose

A large box of chocolates

An in room massage

Rose petals scattered around the room

3 battery operated votive candles

1 large bath truffle

Late Checkout

Two nights before we went up, I got on their website again, just to look around. That is when I noticed that each room also comes with:

Warm cookies as you check in

Two slices of cheesecake in the fridge in your room

A bottle of Sparkling Apple Cider

Breakfast each morning.

Then I was even more excited to go!

We didn't drink our Sparking Apple Cider until the last night. But each day room service made sure to fill our thing with ice so it would be cold for us. We also ate the cheese cake the same night.

I added one more small package to our room. It was 2 champagne flutes filled with Hershey Kisses.

I loved the rose petals around the tub! I made sure to press a few in a book so I could take them home.

One of the votive candles and the large bath truffle. It smelled so good! I bought some more when we check out so I could have some to use at home.

The BIG thing for our getaway was it HAD to have a jetted tub. I love soaking in the tub, but our house is old which means our tub is small. When we have a room with a jetted tub, I try to get a year worth of baths in the weekend. I spent half of my time in the tub reading books while Josh watched the hunting channel.

We weren't sure if we would like the massage, but we decided it sounded fun. Two gals came right to our room and gave us each a half hour massage. It ended up being the highlight of our trip. Josh loved that they massaged his head.

When you check in, they give you a card for each day you are staying and have you choose what time you want your room cleaned and what you want for breakfast. They only have a small selection of choices, but we tried each item and they were all good! Each meal came with your selection, 2 choices of drinks and a yogurt parfait.

Friday morning's breakfast:

I had the cinnamon raisin bagel, orange juice and hot chocolate.

Josh had a cinnamon roll and 2 cranberry juices.

Saturday's breakfast:

I had the Raspberry Danish, orange juice and hot chocolate.

Josh had the Ham & Cheese Croissant and 2 cranberry juices.

Sunday's Breakfast.

I originally was going to have a regular bagel, but after trying Josh's breakfast on Saturday, I called the front desk and had them change my order. I had the Ham & Cheese Croissant, cranberry juice and hot chocolate.

Josh had the Raspberry Danish and 2 cranberry juices.

One day we found Walmart so we could buy a vase for the rose so we could enjoy it during our stay.

Other highlights of the weekend included our first time seeing a movie in 3D. We went to "Gnomeo & Juliet". It was so cute. Before the movie, we were trying to kill time and we ended up at SubZero Ice Cream. It was so good! I was so mad that I had left my camera in our room. We tried to go back on Sunday before leaving, but they were closed.

The Anniversary Inn has several rooms. They offer tours each afternoon, but we were usually out eating lunch so we never went on the tours. But one day the room next to ours, "King Arthur's Court" was left open, so we went in to look around.

Also that day the "Lost in Space" room was open for just a second while the cleaning lady went to get supplies. The bed wasn't made yet, so I only took a picture of the bathroom.

We had so much fun on our trip and we are already talking about going back again and trying another room.

For a few years I have wanted a couples ring that had both of our birthstones. I've looked around a few times, but never found one I liked. This year I was determined to get one. A few weeks ago while shopping in the city with Kim & Jessica, I ran into Zale's to see what they had. At first they tried to talk me into a Mother's Ring because those are styled for birthstones. But then the guy found a ring that was PERFECT! It matches my wedding ring almost perfectly. It came with three diamonds already in it. We had those taken out and three different stones put in, my birthday in January, Josh's birthday in December and our Anniversary month in February. Then they turned the 2 smaller diamonds into earrings. I have the bigger diamond and just need to choose a necklace setting for it.

It took a few weeks to get my ring ready, but I was able to pick it up on our way to Logan on Thursday. I am so in LOVE with it. Its just what I have pictured all of these years.

I bought Josh a new gun for our anniversary. Sorry, I don't have a picture yet because he's still waiting for the scope rings to come in so he can put the scope on and he doesn't want me to take a picture until its all ready. So I'll post that later.

Celebrating 10 years of bliss was wonderful. I can't imagine my life without Josh. I'm forever grateful that he asked me to spend the rest of eternity with him.

Hello World

"Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world"

One of my New Years Resolutions is to try to find more joy in everyday life. Infertility has held me prisoner for too long. I became so caught up in my infertility that I lost everything else about me. Now I slowly feel like I am rediscovering myself. I can't be a mom, but I can still be other things.

I am a wife.

I am an aunt.

I am a mom to too many cats.

I am a friend.

I am a crafter.

I am a somewhat good cook.

I am a wanna be amateur photographer.

I am a over zealous blogger.

I am someone who enjoys good company.

I am someone who enjoys reading.

I am someone who enjoys girls nights.

I am someone who loves learning new things.

I am a child of God.

I think I still have a ways to go before I feel complete and content with the life I have, but I'm enjoying my journey as I look for other ways to enjoy life.

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls

Top video screams at me through my tinted windows I see

A little girl, rust red minivan

She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands

And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

Broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little hole, and a little girl

Well hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church

Its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

Maybe I should stop in and say a prayer

Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what livings for and I hear my life

through my front door

And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl

Hello world, hello world

All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here

Just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world, hello world

Hello world

(Lady Antebellum "Hello world" lyrics found on http://www.songlyrics.com/)

Formspring question answered - Adoption questions you don't like

What adoption question are you sick of people asking? by jilleb163

*Stepping on soapbox

Where do I start? I hate it when people imply that by adopting, you will automatically become pregnant. They may know someone who did adopt and become pregnant. I know those people too. But for every couple that has adopted and then gotten pregnant, I can name 10 that adopted and then didn't get pregnant.

Couples don't choose to adopt just because they can't get pregnant. A lot of couples can get pregnant, but for different infertility reasons, they can't carry their child full-term and their pregnancy ends in a miscarriage, still birth, or pre-mature birth and death.

But I also know the hundreds that adopt. And then they adopt again. And again. But they never do get pregnant (or they do, but they still continue to have the problems listed above). Here's the kicker. Apparently the only way to never, ever, ever get pregnant, is to never have sex.

For me personally, I couldn't explore adoption until I had come to terms with never being pregnant. It was a tough battle. But I can honestly say that I have NO desire to ever be pregnant. In fact, the thought of it scares me to death.

*Continuing on my soapbox

I don't like it when people try to make this big distinction between adopted children and biological children. They make it sound like biological children are real and adopted children aren't.

From my favorite adoption book, "The Adoption Decision" I like to quote:

Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is loved.

If I'm in sassy mood, I'll also ask you, "Was your child born vaginally or by c-section?"

An adopted child is no different than a biological child. You love them just as much. You are the mother to them in all the same ways you would be to a biological child. You give them a home, food, clothes, discipline, love. You give your entire heart to a child, no matter what way they join your family. To me, the only difference is, if I could get pregnant, my child would join my family in nine months. Because we are adopting, we have been paper pregnant for 2 years, 3 months, and 6 days (with still no end in sight).

*Yep, still on my soapbox
I don't like it when people question our chosen adoption path. Every family makes their own adoption choice. Some choose international. Some choose to foster-to-adopt. I may be okay with never getting pregnant, but I want the entire baby experience. Please don't question me on my own feelings. And don't try to change them.

*Still on my soapbox and now getting more personal
When we told people about meeting C, I hated the automatic judgments they passed. "How young is she?" "Is this her first time pregnant?" "Is the dad a steady boyfriend?" Some of their questions made me want to vomit. I HATE the assumptions people make about girls considering adoption. These women LOVE their unborn child, more then they love themselves. These women are upstanding women who made a mistake. Guess what, all people make mistakes. No one is immune from it.

*Another personal experience
The biggest irritation when we told people about C was their very first response, "What if she changes her mind." Yes, I realize that she did end up changing her mind. But I hated it because I felt like I wasn't even allowed to be happy about being chosen. I felt like they were already assuming the worse. We waited almost 2 years to get chosen, and THAT is what people had to say about it? My usual response was "We aren't going to think about that. We are going to enjoy every minute of this." I have no regrets there. We did enjoy every minute. If we get chosen again, I will do the same thing. I'm not going to think about the "what if's." Every one else shouldn't either.

*Getting off soapbox.

Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.

You'll be a great mom

Recently I've been thinking about the above statement. I've heard it. A LOT. I've been thinking of some of the insensitive things people have said over the years as we've struggled with infertility, and for me, this one bothered me the least. It implies that we should remain hopeful, but when said it doesn't actually say "oh, just wait, you're time will come."

"You'll be a great mom." What does that really mean and why do people say it all the time? I know I'm just as guilty. I say it to people and I say it about people. I have friends who are recently married and I know when they choose to start their family, they will be good parents. I have single friends and I know they would be good parents. But when I say that, what am I really saying. When someone says it, what do they mean? What do I mean? Well, basically I guess I mean "I believe you won't starve or beat your children and they will grow in a loving home."

As it's been said over and over since we married, I have never doubted those people. I think I'll be a good mom. I know I'll do my best to raise my child with love. I'll give them a good home to live in and try to surround them with what is good.

But when your birth mom tells you she thinks you'll be a good mom, those words take on a completely new meaning. When she says it, she means it from the bottom of her heart. A birth mom chooses you because she believes that you will be good parents to the child she loves. That act on her part also makes her a good mom. Adoption is all about being good moms (and dads).

Josh's birthday thoughts

One year older and wiser too.....

Hello everyone, Josh here invading Savannah's blog for a moment with some thoughts on my birthday, and the year that has past. To start with, I had heard that when you turn the age that your birthday falls on, it's supposed to be a very good year, so last year I turned 27 on the 27th, something big had to be coming.

The winter passed without much incident, it snowed some, it was cold, then the warmth of spring came. Much like other years my faith waxed and waned like it always has. We were still not parents yet, although we had been contacted by a scammer who got my hopes up and them smashed them to pieces.

Wanting some control back I expanded our family in a different way, we got Sage. I now had some control back in what happened to my family and it was wonderful. I love my puppy, and it has been nice to have a dog around to walk and play tug of war with, but I was still expecting something big, then came summer.

With the warm summer months upon us Savannah and I decided to tackle the 101 things to see and do in the Uintah Basin. We started off with a bang but got stuck on the "Fishing for bluegill at Pelican Lake," I can honestly say I haven't had that much fun fishing since I was a little kid going to the mountains with my family on our annual pack trips. So we have now found a new fishing spot, it was a nice change but still not the big thing that I was expecting.

We also tried backpacking this summer, A fun trip into beautiful country, country that I love very much and was so glad that I was finally able to share with Savannah. We both has a good time and Sage was in 7th heaven, but still not the big thing I was expecting, maybe fall would hold the big excitement for my 27th year.

The end of July saw us once again going to the annual FSA confrence, it was there that I decided that Savannah has a fairly faithful following of couples hoping to adopt like us. I had to go out to the car for something and Savannah stayed inside, on my way to the car several women who I didn't know said hello to me and asked about Savannah. They recognized my hat, I love that hat. The conference was wonderful, and we were able to meet new friends and have a wonderful time. I look forward to conference more than Christmas each year. At the end of the weekend I felt different, I was uplifted as I have been at the end of each conference, but this year was different, I cold now sense something big coming for us, I have no idea how I knew this but I knew that something was going to happen and it was going to be big, but what was it?

With the coming of September, the obvious excitement of fall hit me, Dallon was coming home, the hunts started soon, and we were going to the Book cliffs in November. I lay awake one Friday night in mid September and listened to elk bugle above the house here all night long, maybe fall would see the big something coming, maybe in the way of a big elk or deer. Well it was a good thought anyway. The hunts came and went and were fairly uneventful. But on the 20th of October a very small thing happened, we got an email from a potential birth mother. Dallon was coming home in a week, and here was this email. At first I didn't know what to think other than it was a good thing. I felt good about it but nerves and fears of scams past kept me from getting too terribly excited.

October 31st, Dallon came home and I went to the mountain alone, I had a sense of sadness that I have never felt before this day. I was of course excited to see Dallon again, two year is a long time to be without my brother and best friend. But I was sad because I was so sure when he left that when he came home Savannah and I would have a baby, and he was coming home and we didn't have one yet. I went to the mountain and walked out on a long ridge overlooking a deep canyon. I sat down for a moment and told my concerns to my Father in Heaven. I explained that I wanted Savannah to be a mother and I wanted to be a father, but I wasn't sure how much more I could take. If it was to forever be just her and I and the cats and the dog, I would accept that. I would love my nephews fiercely and would be a serious contender for the worlds best uncle. And if I was to never have to change diapers or get to experience 2:00 feeding, I would survive, I was saddened because of the loss of these things but I would get through it. Then I had a feeling, a feeling that I don't often get probably because I don't listen for it often enough, but this feeling told me that the Lord was aware of Savannah and I, he knew of my struggles and heartache and he hadn't abandoned my yet, so I shouldn't abandon him. The words "wait just a bit longer Josh, you're tough enough just a bit longer" were running through my head all that day. I had a feeling of peace that I have not known since I knew that we were meant to start on this adoption journey.

November saw Steve and Dallon hunting elk in the Book cliffs. They both got elk, and I had a wonderful time on the hunt just being with them and the rest of the family there. But we had also been receiving a few emails from this potential birth mother. I was actually getting pretty excited about her. Days that we didn't hear from her were longer than days that we did, And as Dallon and I went to camp late one night I told him about her. I was excited about where this might end up and had to tell someone.

Thanksgiving we decided to tell our family and a few friends about "C", the birth mother we were in contact with. We asked for prayers on her behalf and on ours as well. Never in my life have I felt the power of prayers offered on my behalf like I have that week after Thanksgiving. I felt like my "Big thing" was getting closer and closer, then on a lazy Sunday afternoon "C" emailed us and said that she wanted to meet. Savannah called her on the phone and I paced close by eavesdropping on as much of their conversation as I could. The word "Excitement" cannot do justice to the feelings that I had during that phone call. I think Savannah stated it best on her face book status as "Big things happening right this second."

December 4th, I have never been so excited and nervous as I was that day. The drive from home to the city was filled with nerve racking excitement and nervous energy, I think I could have run part way there. As is usual with my driving in the city, we got lost, then got found again, then we found her house. As I stepped out of the car in her driveway I felt the spirit of the Lord so strong, giving me the strength I needed to walk to the front door and knock. She opened the door, Savannah gave her a hug, and the nerves went away. I cannot explain it but it was as if I have known her forever. We had a wonderful visit, I did not want the night to end. As we took her home after dinner, the tears came. She stated it as she said that she felt the spirit so strong, and as she told her mom and dad the we were "Awesome"

As we got in the car to come home tears wet my cheeks. Yes me who tries to be big and tough was crying because of a 16 year old girl. The drive home was long, I didn't want to leave the city, she is amazing and I wanted to stay there and learn all I could about her. When we got home we turned on the computer and there was the email, she had chosen us! An email on the 20th of October, such a little thing, and an email on the 4th of December Big thing, both connected but the small thing turned into my BIG THING!

The last few weeks have been a blur, I live for daily emails from Celeste, we went and saw her again last night. I have never met anyone so amazing, so strong, brave, and wonderful as her. She is now part of my family and I don't have the words to describe how I feel.

So now I start 28. Big things await us from here on out, and I'll never be the same man I was, I can only hope that I am better, worthy of the blessings I have received. For my Savannah, and all that she is and does for me. For Celeste and the light and the hope she has given me, for making this big tough cowboy cry more than once now. And for our child, I'll meet you this year, and I am sure there will be tears because of you too. I can't wait to tell you your story, and tell you about all the wonderful people who helped bring you to us. One year older and wiser, and hopefully I am getting better with age.

Tamiflu should be a diet drug

Firstly, because if you need this drug, lets face it: you are too sick to be eating anyway. You cut out tons of calories when you are this sick. And don't worry, if you suddenly think you are well enough to eat, your body will remind you that you aren't and it will do what it needs to reverse your eating efforts.

When you do start to actually feel better after a few days rest, Tamiflu is still there. If you take the pill without food, it will make you think you are sick once again and you will desire no food. Or if you read the label and see that this pill should be taken with food, you will eat as little as possible because Tamiflu makes it all taste the same... like crap. Even chocolate will no longer taste good while Tamiflu is in your system.

But despite that, I am glad to be feeling better. The first half of the week is a blur to me. I may or may not have napped in the doctor's office and followed that with a good, long cry on the phone with hubby (that freaked him out) because I was still tired. That or maybe I cried because I was informed that I had the Type 1 Influenza and should avoid ALL people. A lot of good that did me. I had to hitch a ride to the doctor because my car wouldn't start, and now that person is sick.

I also made sure to have a mattress in the front room so I could sleep in front of the TV when I was sick of sleeping in the bed. And that must be a lot of sleeping, because I never tire of sleeping in my bed, well except after countless hours... I was even to sick to do any of my favorite relaxing activities such as: read, crochet, or even soak in the tub. How sick can a person get?

Oh, and despite his best efforts (like drinking from my cup, trying to kiss me, insisting that he really does get more sleep with me coughing on him than if I were to sleep in another room, and even taking his temperature "just for fun," right after I did) Josh didn't get sick. That is so unfair! Well, maybe not. Just because I suffered doesn't mean he should to. We all know how men get when they don't feel well...

We haven't rescheduled our camping trip yet, but we will soon. After an entire week off of work, I get to return to the work force on Monday and that is when I will beg for more days off so we can take our long awaited trip.

The Deserted Island Question

Tia over at Clever Girl Goes Blog has asked a great question. If you were stranded on a deserted island, what 5 essentials would you want to have with you. I think that is a serious question that needs answered.

After much consideration here is my list.
1- Josh. That really should be a no brainer. He can hunt so I won't have to worry about going hungry. He has a great/weird sense of humor, so I will never get bored. He knows how to build things so we would have good shelter. And he is really good in the outdoors. Plus I love to snuggle with him. I guess if I could only take ONE thing with me, he would be it.

2- My pets. Even though there is four of them, I am going to lump them together because I'm greedy like that. But really, Missy wouldn't come because that would be outside (cast momma cold glare!*) so I guess only Pyro, Zipper, and Sage would be with us.

3- My TempurPedic bed. I will sleep in comfort! That is by far the best money we have ever spent!

4- My Books. I really can't imagine anything more relaxing than laying on a beach and reading some of my favorites. If I can't take all 200 of them, I will have a hard time limiting myself, but some I would have for sure is: "The Visions of Ransom Lake", "The Highway Man of Tanglewood", "Divine Deception", "Shackles of Honor", "Heavenly Surrender", "The Touch of Sage", "The Whispered Kiss", "Born for Thorton's Sake" (all of which are by Marcia Lynn McClure, LOVE HER!), "Some Sweet Day," "The River Path," "Chance Encounter" (all by Jennie Hansen), "Counting Stars" (Michell Paige Holmes), "Pipit's Song" (Alene Roberts), "Towers of Brierley" (Anita Stansfield), "The Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites: The series" (Chris Heimerdinger), "Gone with the Wind" (Margaret Mitchell), "Scarlett" (Alexandra Ripley), and "The Twilight Series" (Stephenie Meyer). Whew that's a lot, but those are my must haves. Plus I would expect Marcia Lynn McClure's newest books to get delivered somehow to this deserted island. I guess that is how I will get rescued, is by the postman....

5- My Camera. This one was a little harder to decide. I really would want to take my computer, but only if I had Internet access. But then I thought about how pretty it would be and I decided I would rather have my camera there so I could document everything.

What would take? Either leave a quick list in the comments or if you do this on your blog let me know in the comments so I can check your list out.

*Everyone should know that I truly believe my kittens talk to me. Everyday when I throw them outside I know Missy is casting me a cold glare and telling me she doesn't like me very much.

I loved Phantom

The play was AWESOME!We had front row seats, but even the seats in the back didn't look bad. The only down side to the front row was the fog machine. The things puts out a lot of fog! But we were able to see their facial expressions better and that made it worth it. It is a different telling of the story than "The Phantom of the Opera" so if you go to see the play throw out everything you expect. But there is still a scene where the chandelier crashes to the floor; that was wicked cool!
I love the movie, but I also love the play. I think I like the story line of the play a little more, but I enjoy the music of the movie more. For both our tickets it was only $52 bucks and ticket prices are the same no matter where you sit. When we ordered the tickets back in January we looked at three different dates before purchasing, because for that price we wanted the best seats in the house! I would go again in a heartbeat.
I also found a great website: www.nowplayingutah.com.

Debt...and a plan

I HATE DEBT! We try to avoid it at all possible means. We have no credit cards and I let debt scare me so much that I am no where ready to think about purchasing a home yet (well that, and the fact that Josh is still in school).

When we bought our car almost 3 years ago it was a bitter sweet moment. We finally we established enough that we could take out our own auto loan! It was so exciting. Then we signed the paperwork. I hate the hold that has put on us. Adding a truck loan made the stress even worse.

When we purchased our computer we did a loan with the company so we could establish some credit. But we paid the loan off 3 or 4 months later. We have tried to be realistic each time we have taken out a loan, although that is something the car company had a hard time with. When we decided to buy a car we sat down and decided just how much we could spend. We had some money set aside and decided that we would use that for our down payment and then we could finance a loan that would keep our payments around $120.

So off to the car lot I went. I walked in and told the guy that we were interested in a car and we wanted to spend X-Amount of dollars. He proceeds to tell me about this car that is $XXXX. Um, no, that is $4,000 more than I just said. So then he tries to tell me about a car that is $XXXX. Still no, that is $2,000 more than I said. I was starting to get frustrated. Maybe most people don't think this through as well as we had.

Finally after some arguing he tells me that he thinks they have one car that just might work. He was kind of talking down to me, trying to belittle the car like it wasn't anything even worth looking at. Let me back up, when I first got there I saw this car and just fell in love with it, but it looked so nice I knew we could never afford it. IT WAS THAT CAR HE WAS TALKING ABOUT!

I took it home for a test drive that night and the next day we were at the bank signing papers and then on to the dealership where we signed papers again and presented the two checks (ours and the banks) to pay for the car. He seemed surprised that we already had the money. Seriously, how unprepared is the common car buyer?

There is a point to this story. I have 12 payments left on the car. I want to be giddy with joy, but that is still 12 more payments! So I have set a master plan. I will have this car paid off before the year ends. No, before Thanksgiving! The one important thing I learned while working in real estate is that is pays to pay extra each month. Since we started the loan I have tried to pay a little extra and really I am probably closer to my goal than I think I am, but I am going to increase my efforts!

Maybe after the car is paid off I can feel better about having to possibly take a loan out for an adoption.

An ALMOST total disappointment...

There was an adoption conference this week in Provo and Sandy. It wasn't sponsored by our agency, but I decided to go and try to learn some new things since we are thinking about trans racial and international adoption more and more these days.

The one in Provo was supposed to be on trans racial adoption, but I would have titled it "These guys are working on their desertions for their degrees and for some unknown reason they are trying to do studies on trans racial adoption even though they have no valid link to the adoption world with a guest speaker who is probably more anti-adoption than pro-adoption."

I was so excited when I left the house yesterday morning (before daylight I may add). I was a few minutes late, but that's because I went to the wrong building. When I got there this cute little (she was like 5 feet tall!) grandma iwas talking about a 20 year study she did. I loved her. She has several adopted bi-racial children and she loves them. It was so refreshing.

Then we had the other guest speaker. He once lived next to someone in Vermont who adopted a bi-racial child and he decided to do a study on it, but I think someone forgot to tell him we would want to see the positive side. The video was 77 grueling minutes long. I loved the guy, who during the Q&A, asked the film maker why all he showed was the challenges and not the rewards. The film maker just kind of skirted around that question.

Lunch was okay, but I was able to meet some new great people in the adoption world. I think that was the only adoption related thing at the conference; just us crazy people who have adopted or who want to adopt that were in attendance.

The session I was most excited for was a big let down. The schedule said Trans National and we have been thinking more about that since Sunday (more to come on those details) so I went. He showed a few charts about different countries and which seems to be the biggest for adoption right now. Then he asked who there had adopted internationally and if he could interview them for his study. THAT WAS IT! We didn't discuss the different things you need to do, we didn't discuss how much to spend, how long it takes. NONE OF MY QUESTIONS OR CONCERNS were talked about.

The next session was a little better, but once again it was a student conducting a study. And really her's wasn't really about adoption, but mixed race families. It was informative and I really enjoyed her speech, but it would have been better at a different conference I think.

The only highlight of the day (besides the new friends I made) was the adoptee panel. IT WAS AMAZING! They had 5 people come in and share their adoption stories. They were beautiful and uplifting. I feel in love with everyone of them. They had great advice and they did admit to some things being hard, but the love they felt for their families was very positive. I wanted to find the film maker and tell him to throw his old video in the garbage and make it using these guys.

Then back to disappointment. The next guy has a passion and that is numbers. He took the 2000 Census and threw some numbers together in confusing ways. I'm still not sure what message I was supposed to get from him. Then another doctoral student spoke and to me he was trying say everything he could to say trans racial adoption probably isn't a good thing. He was African American and I didn't like how he kept saying "my people" and "your people." At this point I want the adoptee panel to come back!

I didn't stay for the last guy. I was too discouraged. I realize that trans racial adoption comes with extra difficulties, but I know it all can't be bad. In the car I looked at the schedule for Wed. & Thurs. and decided my emotional state could not handle more of the same thing so I decided to come home.

I was supposed to take notes for my friends that couldn't go. I am sorry to say that I was not impressed and will not go to this particular conference again. But during the entire day that was a handful of things that I did like or that gave me pause to think:
1- African Americans will probably have problems no matter where they are raised. As a society we really need to get our act together and quit looking at color of skin and rather look at their character that lies within.
2- It probably is best that they are raced by someone of their culture and skin color, but in not, then they just need to be raised by a loving family.
3- Kids don't seem to notice they have a different skin color until they are about four or five years old.
4- Children raised by parents of a different color seem to find the religion of their family and how that is taught more important than the color of their skin. I could probably say that in a more understandable way, but I'm not sure how to word it. Several of the adoptees mentioned it. Their families taught them that God doesn't see in color and that he loves all his children. That was important to them.

If you were at the conference on Tuesday and had a better time, I would love to hear from you! And if you enjoyed it, sorry if my thoughts upset you. We have only recently decided to consider trans racial adoption and I was hoping yesterday could have been a better learning opportunity. I have not let it discourage me away from trans racial adoption.

To make myself feel better and feel like my day hadn't been a complete waste I stopped at Bridal Veil Falls on my way out of Provo. I only had my little camera since I had planned to be gone for several days and didn't want to worry about my big camera. But once again I am amazed that my little camera is a great camera.

I stole this from another blog

But since it was a quote by an Apostle of our church, I guess it's not really stealing (which is a good thing because our church frowns upon the kind of thing). But the quote was so good that I wanted to post it here. The blog I got it from is Inky Smiles; she does a thought every Thursday and I always look forward to them.

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. ... It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance."In the language of the gospel, this hope is sure, unwavering, and active. The prophets of old speak of a 'firm hope' (Alma 34:41) and a 'lively hope' (1 Peter 1:3). It is a hope glorifying God through good works. With hope comes joy and happiness. With hope, we can 'have patience, and bear . . . [our] afflictions' (Alma 34:41)."

~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Re-Introduction

Welcome to my blog (again). When I first entered the blogging world my purpose was to create something that would make it easier for our birth parents to stay a part of our lives. I wanted a place where I could post picture and stories of our children as they grew.

Then something happened; I became addicted. I pride myself on not being too caught up in this technical age. I don't text, in fact, all I do with my cell phone is make phone calls (because that's what I think a cell phone should be used for). We still own the original PlayStation. I joined Face book and thought it to be lame. But blogging...I was totally caught up in that.

Something amazing has happened over the last 6 months. I have been able to let go of pain, to finally forgive, and to heal. I think blogging has helped with that. It amazes me that when I write things down it helps release the pressure that was built up behind the pain.

At first I was scared to share my feelings, to expose myself like that. But it's hard keeping up a brave face all day and then crying in my bed all night. I started numerous posts about our infertility, only to delete them because I thought they would reveal too much. But then I realized that they would only reveal the truth. I am only human. I have my own trials and sometimes they are hard. But each day life goes on and that is why I try to put a smile on my face and trudge on forward.

Choosing a new title for this blog was harder than I thought it would be. The humor in me wanted to do something funny, some catchy, something original yet slightly strange. But a part of me wanted to make a title that could become my new mantra. Something that would inspire me to keep hoping, to keep dreaming, to have faith.

There is a song by Michael McLean called "Something Perfect." I hope that some day soon we will be living this song.

There's an ache that's missing today.

There's an emptiness that's been filled.

There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away.

There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled.

There's a joy that's real.

There's a wound that's finally healed.

There's a future replacing a past.

There's breath of new life in the cast.

And there's something perfect happening here.

And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.

And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.

This something that's perfect happening here.

No one knows, so no one can say

That tomorrow all will be well.

Will the brightest promise that shines on today

Shine tomorrow? No one can tell.

But one thing is sure

And will be forever more

When such unselfish love has been given.

The world just made more room for Heaven.

And there's something perfect happening here.

And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.

And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.

This something that's perfect happening here.

I wanted to name my blog Something Perfect. I wanted it to be a reminder to look for something perfect in my life everyday. I have a nice home in the most beautiful country that God created. I have my kittens. I have a great family and wonderful friends. And I am married to the most wonderful man there is. He loves me and does his best to show me that everyday.

Unfortunately that name was taken. I tried several other song titles that inspire me, but I kept coming back to this song. That is when Countless Tomorrows jumped out at me. Everyday is a new day and we have plenty of tomorrows to look forward to. I can't wait.

I love this song!

I can't believe I am about to admit this, but I LOVE this song by Linkin Park "Leave Out All the Rest." I'm not only surprised because it is NOT country, but also because I always pictured these guys as a group with no morals and that their songs had foul language. I'm not ready to completely change my opinion, but let's just say that I have learned to not judge a song based on the CD cover. (Or something like that.)
This song was part of the soundtrack to Twilight. My husband bought the CD, but wouldn't share it. (He is so excited that his truck now has a CD player!) Last week we went somewhere and I got to drive the truck. When we got home I popped the CD out of the player and put it in my car. I think we need to buy another CD because I don't want to give it back!

Every time I hear this song I think it is trying to say something to me. I keep trying to apply it to adoption, but it doesn't seem to fit. But whatever it is, I can't seem to hear this song enough.

Leave Out All the Rest
I dreamed I was missing.
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared.
After my dreaming,
I woke with this fear.
What am I leaving
When I'm done here.
So if you're asking me
I want you to know.

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed.
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest.
Leave out all the rest.

Don't be afraid.
I've taken my beating.
I've shared what I made.
I'm strong on the surface,
Not all the way through.
I've never been perfect,
But neither have you.
So if you're asking me
I want you to know.

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed.
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest.
Leave out all the rest.

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well.
Pretending
Someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are.

I don't like Brussels Sprouts

My dad had shoulder surgery today to repair a torn rotator cuff. Since you spend most of the time sitting around a waiting room, while they set on a bed waiting on the doctor, I chose to let his girlfriend sit and wait with him while I went to work. (I only work a block away.)

During my lunch break, I ran over to see how he was doing. He was still in recovery so I found his girlfriend in the cafeteria and ate lunch with her. One of the choices they had was Brussels sprouts. I think they are the cutest vegetable, but I had never tried them. So I had a brave moment and asked the lady to give me three. She was generous and gave me four. All I can say is YUCK! But I did try them and I am proud of myself for that.

For those of you who are wondering, my dad is doing great. I went to his house after I got off work to find him bringing wood into the house for his fireplace. He has declared that he is already bored. He's in for a long ride; he has the next several weeks off...

Open book...I want to hear from you!

I just wanted to mention that I love hearing from everyone, so please feel free to post a comment whenever you want. Or better yet, ask me any questions you want. I've seen this on other blogs and it looks fun. They can be adoption related or anything else. For security purposes I won't go into a ton of details like where we live or anything to personal like that. If I understand my settings right, anyone can post a comment. If you aren't a registered Google user you should be able to type in your name or even click on anonymous.

So go ahead, treat this like an OPEN BOOK.

I should mention that I have the comment moderation turned on; simply because I realized I was missing some comments that were being posted. This way I have to review them before they are published and I won't miss out on any. It there is any rude or insensitive comments I will reject those. I haven't had a problem with that yet, but I have friends who get a lot of abuse about their decisions to adopt and that to me is just plain mean, so play nice.

Pain in the Neck...and the shoulder

Sunday while I was sitting in Primary watching the children try to pay attention to their teachers my shoulder started to go numb. Then as the day progressed it started to hurt, and hurt, and hurt even more. Any movement just about had me in tears.

We had my dad and brothers (my sister forgot) up for a late Christmas dinner. I had planned to take pictures, but I was in so much pain I was lucky to just get the table set. But dinner was great. Josh cooked a spiral cut ham with a cranberry relish that I think is to die for. We also had twice baked potatoes (my first time cooking those), Grandma Jone's (she is Josh's great-grandma) corn casserole, which also is to die for, a raspberry-yogurt salad, and rolls. Oh, and the best part, chocolate truffle cheesecake for dessert.

After they left I took a hot shower that helped with the shoulder pain until the water ran cold so then I sat in the recliner with the heating pad which didn't really help at all (funny that's how well the Tylenol was working too). I didn't sleep well that night because I COULD NOT get comfortable on matter which way I tried to lay.

Needless to say, I was a little cranky when I woke up yesterday. I'm not one to rush to the doctor over any little thing, but I called the minute they were open. Lot of good that did me, I couldn't get in until 3:30 and even then I sat in the waiting room for 1 hour AND 10 minutes.

I can't remember what the doctor called it, but apparently I have a nerve that keeps having spasms. I'm ready to cut the nerve out, but instead he gave me a prescription for some pain pills and a steroid 6-day treatment pack.

So I went to the pharmacy where I waited ANOTHER 45 minutes. At one point I thought I was done because the pharmacits called my name. But all he wanted to tell me was that they were out of the pre-packaged pills that told you to take 6 pills the first day, then 5 the next day, all the way down to 1 and instead he wanted to know if it was okay if they just put the pills in a bottle? Sure, whatever, I think I can handle counting backwards from six...

Fifteen minutes later my name was called again. By this point I was so happy to be almost done that I wasn't paying attention when a different pharmacist started to tell me the whole 6, then 5, then 4 deal again. But something clicked when she said Prednisone. Alarms went off in my head, but I couldn't figure out why. I thought she was talking about the prescription for pain at first. Then she indicated that it was the steroid pill; that's when it all clicked.

Prednisone is the most likely reason we can't have children. Presnisone is the reason we are so lucky to adopt. When Josh was 18 he had an auto-immune disease that attached his kidneys. Prednisone is the drug that saved his life. When we told his family we had decided to adopt that is when they finally mentioned that the doctor had mentioned Prednisone could....kill his little swimmers. At the point I wish we had known sooner. I knew that had problems, but we had never thought to make sure it was just me. I think that would have saved a lot of heartache. We could have started on this adoption journey sooner. But maybe we needed to live through those trials of trying to conceive to better appreciate adoption.

I have to admit that I stared at the bottle on my table for quite awhile before I took the pills. I know it is used to treat other things. I had a friend take it during a pregnancy to help her not miscarry. To me that is ironic. Josh takes it, no babies. Girlfriend takes it, here comes baby...

I was a little worried that thinking about the past would stir up old feelings, but I am happy to say there was no tears, well except the painful ones that convinced me to just take the pills.

A quick update
I slept much, much better last night. It must have been the pain pill. We woke up at 2:00 to check the fireplace and it hardly hurt. But I acted to soon and tried to sleep on it, so it hurt again when I woke up. But today that pain has been bearable and almost minimal at times. Oh, and in case you are taking track, I took 6 pills in the first 24 hours (2 at a time at every meal), now I need to take 5 in the next 24 hours, then 4, then 3, then 2, then finally the last one. The pharmacist told me like 20 times, so I want to make sure I get it right!

It's a Date!

We are going to Phantom on April 4th! I am so excited.

Josh was watching TV and saw it advertised. I almost had the tickets booked before the commercial was over. We have front row seats.

Expectations

This week my support group and some fellow bloggers have talked about expectations. Life is full of expectations; sometimes they turn out the way you want and sometimes they don't.
As a child I expected to do well in school and with much hard work I was able to do just that. I also expected to enjoy high school, but I didn't.

One of my favorite expectations is that I expected to meet a nice man who would take me to the temple. I hadn't expected he would be a cowboy and that we would be so young. But that is one of those things that I am glad it didn't go like I expected.

When I married, I naturally expected that someday we would be parents. I figured we would be married for a few years before that happened and of course I assumed it would happen the natural way with my becoming pregnant and 9 months later our child would enter the world. That is another expectation that I am glad is not going to turn out like I planned. From the moment we decided to adopt we knew that it was the right thing for our family.

In regards to our adoption, I don't feel like I expect too much. Basically I want a wonderful birthmother (& birthfather) to choose to place their baby with us. We will then wait 6 months after which we will go to court to have the adoption finalized and then we will go to the temple to be sealed as a family for eternity. Then we will wait a few years and start the process all over again so that we can have another baby.

Sounds simple enough. I'm sure it won't go that simple and we will probably have some struggles to overcome, like being chosen and then having the mother change her mind, or maybe we won't have a baby by the time Dallon gets off his mission. As the news has pointed out recently we could also have problems with the birthfather. A number of things can go wrong, but really until that happens there isn't much I can do to prepare for it, expect to know that everything is in the Lord's hands.

At the beginning of the process I wanted to choose that our first baby would be a boy. Since then we have broadened our expectations and not only did we select either sex, but we also decided to be more open about the ethnicity of our baby.

The problem I am having is with my expectations of how the "waiting" should be. While I tried to not to expect to be chosen after a small amount of time, I did expect that we would at least be looked at a few times in the first year. Every time I see our caseworkers number on my cell phone I try to not get excited. He's only ever called to remind us about paperwork, conferences, etc. And yet, each time my phone rings my heart stops and I think "This could be THE call!" I try to picture how it will be when that call comes. Will I be speechless? Will I let out a big yell of joy? If I'm at work, how will I tell Josh the news? Will I call him over the phone or will I run out the door without telling anyone where I am going and go track him down to tell him in person?

Another expectation that has not gone quite like I had planned is that I expected everyone to be just as excited as we are. This is actually a topic of discussion I have started a few times in my group. Our friends have been great in this regard. They are always asking how things are going. But unlike I had hoped for, we have some family that hardly ever (and even some of them never) ask how things are going.

In this way I am different from the norm. Most adoptive couples when they get all approved to adopt actually ask their families to not ask about it. For them it is hard to say that nothing has changed. They tell their families that when there is news to share they will let them know.

Not me. Maybe I am just being selfish, but I want our families to talk about and ask about it. Sure it's the same news it was almost a year ago, but I still want to know that we are in their thoughts and prayers and the only way I can know is to have them ask.

Some of the things that were mentioned in my group have made me stop and think. Some great points have been brought up. Adoption really is completely out of our hands. We are at the mercy of others. Maybe it is hard for some to hope for things that they can't see. It's not like a pregnancy where you just expect to meet the newest member of your family hours after they had entered this work after waiting only 9 months.

Maybe they are scared to see us get hurt and don't want to give us false hope. Maybe they don't know what to say so they say nothing at all. I am trying to realize that doesn't mean they don't support us, it just means that they really don't know what to say.

Maybe it has to do with how I reacted to the last pregnancy in the family. During that time I really was an awful person and nobody wanted to be around me. I don't blame them. I don't know how even Josh managed to live with me. But I have worked on my issues and I have realized that it was me who had the problem and I have moved beyond that. I can't wait until my sister in-law is pregnant again so that I can enjoy it with her the next time.

I am trying to let go of these expectations. Some of them probably really aren't worth the stress I am letting them cause in my life. So this is my New Year's Resolution. I am going to assume that everyone is just excited about our decision to adopt as we are. If they want to tell me otherwise then I can let it roll of my back. After all, when my baby does arrive I don't have to let them hold it. I am also going to let everyone off of the hook; if you don't want to ask how our adoption is going, that's fine. If we have anything important to announce, we will let you know.