*Stepping on soapbox
Where do I start? I hate it when people imply that by adopting, you will automatically become pregnant. They may know someone who did adopt and become pregnant. I know those people too. But for every couple that has adopted and then gotten pregnant, I can name 10 that adopted and then didn't get pregnant.
Couples don't choose to adopt just because they can't get pregnant. A lot of couples can get pregnant, but for different infertility reasons, they can't carry their child full-term and their pregnancy ends in a miscarriage, still birth, or pre-mature birth and death.
But I also know the hundreds that adopt. And then they adopt again. And again. But they never do get pregnant (or they do, but they still continue to have the problems listed above). Here's the kicker. Apparently the only way to never, ever, ever get pregnant, is to never have sex.
For me personally, I couldn't explore adoption until I had come to terms with never being pregnant. It was a tough battle. But I can honestly say that I have NO desire to ever be pregnant. In fact, the thought of it scares me to death.
*Continuing on my soapbox
I don't like it when people try to make this big distinction between adopted children and biological children. They make it sound like biological children are real and adopted children aren't.
From my favorite adoption book, "The Adoption Decision" I like to quote:
Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is loved.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is loved.
If I'm in sassy mood, I'll also ask you, "Was your child born vaginally or by c-section?"
An adopted child is no different than a biological child. You love them just as much. You are the mother to them in all the same ways you would be to a biological child. You give them a home, food, clothes, discipline, love. You give your entire heart to a child, no matter what way they join your family. To me, the only difference is, if I could get pregnant, my child would join my family in nine months. Because we are adopting, we have been paper pregnant for 2 years, 3 months, and 6 days (with still no end in sight).
*Yep, still on my soapbox
I don't like it when people question our chosen adoption path. Every family makes their own adoption choice. Some choose international. Some choose to foster-to-adopt. I may be okay with never getting pregnant, but I want the entire baby experience. Please don't question me on my own feelings. And don't try to change them.
*Still on my soapbox and now getting more personal
When we told people about meeting C, I hated the automatic judgments they passed. "How young is she?" "Is this her first time pregnant?" "Is the dad a steady boyfriend?" Some of their questions made me want to vomit. I HATE the assumptions people make about girls considering adoption. These women LOVE their unborn child, more then they love themselves. These women are upstanding women who made a mistake. Guess what, all people make mistakes. No one is immune from it.
*Another personal experience
The biggest irritation when we told people about C was their very first response, "What if she changes her mind." Yes, I realize that she did end up changing her mind. But I hated it because I felt like I wasn't even allowed to be happy about being chosen. I felt like they were already assuming the worse. We waited almost 2 years to get chosen, and THAT is what people had to say about it? My usual response was "We aren't going to think about that. We are going to enjoy every minute of this." I have no regrets there. We did enjoy every minute. If we get chosen again, I will do the same thing. I'm not going to think about the "what if's." Every one else shouldn't either.
*Yep, still on my soapbox
I don't like it when people question our chosen adoption path. Every family makes their own adoption choice. Some choose international. Some choose to foster-to-adopt. I may be okay with never getting pregnant, but I want the entire baby experience. Please don't question me on my own feelings. And don't try to change them.
*Still on my soapbox and now getting more personal
When we told people about meeting C, I hated the automatic judgments they passed. "How young is she?" "Is this her first time pregnant?" "Is the dad a steady boyfriend?" Some of their questions made me want to vomit. I HATE the assumptions people make about girls considering adoption. These women LOVE their unborn child, more then they love themselves. These women are upstanding women who made a mistake. Guess what, all people make mistakes. No one is immune from it.
*Another personal experience
The biggest irritation when we told people about C was their very first response, "What if she changes her mind." Yes, I realize that she did end up changing her mind. But I hated it because I felt like I wasn't even allowed to be happy about being chosen. I felt like they were already assuming the worse. We waited almost 2 years to get chosen, and THAT is what people had to say about it? My usual response was "We aren't going to think about that. We are going to enjoy every minute of this." I have no regrets there. We did enjoy every minute. If we get chosen again, I will do the same thing. I'm not going to think about the "what if's." Every one else shouldn't either.
*Getting off soapbox.
Ask me a question on Formspring. Also be sure to view my page there, I'm not posting all the questions and answers on my blog.
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2 comments:
I LOVE your answer! Especially your defense of women who choose to place (I get sick of people thinking I must be a crack whore or a homeless person or an irresponsible teenager).
One of my biggest media pet peeves is how there's always this distinction. Like, when Marie Osmond's son committed suicide, every news article and report mentioned that Marie had X number of adopted children and X number of biological children. Um, excuse me, but what's the big friggin difference? They're ALL HER CHILDREN!!
Okay, now I'm off MY soapbox. But you should get on yours more often, you had so many good things to say!
I am an adopted child, and I recently heard some new terminology that I love. Instead of 'biological' (which sounds cold and medical) and 'adopted', some people now use the terms 'child by birth' and 'child by adoption'. I like that because they both refer to the child in the exact same way, with the same tone. Just the method is different.
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