Josh's birthday thoughts

One year older and wiser too.....

Hello everyone, Josh here invading Savannah's blog for a moment with some thoughts on my birthday, and the year that has past. To start with, I had heard that when you turn the age that your birthday falls on, it's supposed to be a very good year, so last year I turned 27 on the 27th, something big had to be coming.

The winter passed without much incident, it snowed some, it was cold, then the warmth of spring came. Much like other years my faith waxed and waned like it always has. We were still not parents yet, although we had been contacted by a scammer who got my hopes up and them smashed them to pieces.

Wanting some control back I expanded our family in a different way, we got Sage. I now had some control back in what happened to my family and it was wonderful. I love my puppy, and it has been nice to have a dog around to walk and play tug of war with, but I was still expecting something big, then came summer.

With the warm summer months upon us Savannah and I decided to tackle the 101 things to see and do in the Uintah Basin. We started off with a bang but got stuck on the "Fishing for bluegill at Pelican Lake," I can honestly say I haven't had that much fun fishing since I was a little kid going to the mountains with my family on our annual pack trips. So we have now found a new fishing spot, it was a nice change but still not the big thing that I was expecting.

We also tried backpacking this summer, A fun trip into beautiful country, country that I love very much and was so glad that I was finally able to share with Savannah. We both has a good time and Sage was in 7th heaven, but still not the big thing I was expecting, maybe fall would hold the big excitement for my 27th year.

The end of July saw us once again going to the annual FSA confrence, it was there that I decided that Savannah has a fairly faithful following of couples hoping to adopt like us. I had to go out to the car for something and Savannah stayed inside, on my way to the car several women who I didn't know said hello to me and asked about Savannah. They recognized my hat, I love that hat. The conference was wonderful, and we were able to meet new friends and have a wonderful time. I look forward to conference more than Christmas each year. At the end of the weekend I felt different, I was uplifted as I have been at the end of each conference, but this year was different, I cold now sense something big coming for us, I have no idea how I knew this but I knew that something was going to happen and it was going to be big, but what was it?

With the coming of September, the obvious excitement of fall hit me, Dallon was coming home, the hunts started soon, and we were going to the Book cliffs in November. I lay awake one Friday night in mid September and listened to elk bugle above the house here all night long, maybe fall would see the big something coming, maybe in the way of a big elk or deer. Well it was a good thought anyway. The hunts came and went and were fairly uneventful. But on the 20th of October a very small thing happened, we got an email from a potential birth mother. Dallon was coming home in a week, and here was this email. At first I didn't know what to think other than it was a good thing. I felt good about it but nerves and fears of scams past kept me from getting too terribly excited.

October 31st, Dallon came home and I went to the mountain alone, I had a sense of sadness that I have never felt before this day. I was of course excited to see Dallon again, two year is a long time to be without my brother and best friend. But I was sad because I was so sure when he left that when he came home Savannah and I would have a baby, and he was coming home and we didn't have one yet. I went to the mountain and walked out on a long ridge overlooking a deep canyon. I sat down for a moment and told my concerns to my Father in Heaven. I explained that I wanted Savannah to be a mother and I wanted to be a father, but I wasn't sure how much more I could take. If it was to forever be just her and I and the cats and the dog, I would accept that. I would love my nephews fiercely and would be a serious contender for the worlds best uncle. And if I was to never have to change diapers or get to experience 2:00 feeding, I would survive, I was saddened because of the loss of these things but I would get through it. Then I had a feeling, a feeling that I don't often get probably because I don't listen for it often enough, but this feeling told me that the Lord was aware of Savannah and I, he knew of my struggles and heartache and he hadn't abandoned my yet, so I shouldn't abandon him. The words "wait just a bit longer Josh, you're tough enough just a bit longer" were running through my head all that day. I had a feeling of peace that I have not known since I knew that we were meant to start on this adoption journey.

November saw Steve and Dallon hunting elk in the Book cliffs. They both got elk, and I had a wonderful time on the hunt just being with them and the rest of the family there. But we had also been receiving a few emails from this potential birth mother. I was actually getting pretty excited about her. Days that we didn't hear from her were longer than days that we did, And as Dallon and I went to camp late one night I told him about her. I was excited about where this might end up and had to tell someone.

Thanksgiving we decided to tell our family and a few friends about "C", the birth mother we were in contact with. We asked for prayers on her behalf and on ours as well. Never in my life have I felt the power of prayers offered on my behalf like I have that week after Thanksgiving. I felt like my "Big thing" was getting closer and closer, then on a lazy Sunday afternoon "C" emailed us and said that she wanted to meet. Savannah called her on the phone and I paced close by eavesdropping on as much of their conversation as I could. The word "Excitement" cannot do justice to the feelings that I had during that phone call. I think Savannah stated it best on her face book status as "Big things happening right this second."

December 4th, I have never been so excited and nervous as I was that day. The drive from home to the city was filled with nerve racking excitement and nervous energy, I think I could have run part way there. As is usual with my driving in the city, we got lost, then got found again, then we found her house. As I stepped out of the car in her driveway I felt the spirit of the Lord so strong, giving me the strength I needed to walk to the front door and knock. She opened the door, Savannah gave her a hug, and the nerves went away. I cannot explain it but it was as if I have known her forever. We had a wonderful visit, I did not want the night to end. As we took her home after dinner, the tears came. She stated it as she said that she felt the spirit so strong, and as she told her mom and dad the we were "Awesome"

As we got in the car to come home tears wet my cheeks. Yes me who tries to be big and tough was crying because of a 16 year old girl. The drive home was long, I didn't want to leave the city, she is amazing and I wanted to stay there and learn all I could about her. When we got home we turned on the computer and there was the email, she had chosen us! An email on the 20th of October, such a little thing, and an email on the 4th of December Big thing, both connected but the small thing turned into my BIG THING!

The last few weeks have been a blur, I live for daily emails from Celeste, we went and saw her again last night. I have never met anyone so amazing, so strong, brave, and wonderful as her. She is now part of my family and I don't have the words to describe how I feel.

So now I start 28. Big things await us from here on out, and I'll never be the same man I was, I can only hope that I am better, worthy of the blessings I have received. For my Savannah, and all that she is and does for me. For Celeste and the light and the hope she has given me, for making this big tough cowboy cry more than once now. And for our child, I'll meet you this year, and I am sure there will be tears because of you too. I can't wait to tell you your story, and tell you about all the wonderful people who helped bring you to us. One year older and wiser, and hopefully I am getting better with age.

Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful wife

Hello there all, it's me, Josh, again. I thought I would take this opportunity (Savannah is in the other room and doesn't know I'm doing this) to leave a mothers day tribute to my beautiful and loving wife. She is truly an amazing woman and today, on one of the hardest days of the year for her, I want to tell her how special she is to me.
Savannah, you are my world, no-one else on this earth could have endured the heartache that you have so well. I draw strength from you every day. You are my reason for getting out of bed each morning, my sunshine on the gloomy days. You make life fun and interesting and an amazing adventure. You are there to support me when I stumble, you smile when I'm blue, keep me grounded when I need it, and make me feel that, at least to you, I am the most important man in the world. I am amazed at how our years together have flown by, I am in love with you more each passing day, and I still cannot believe that you chose me to spend the rest of time with, but I am very thankful that you did. I love you dear, happy mothers day from me, Pyro, Missy, Zip, and Sage. Word cannot explain how much you mean to all of us. Thank you for everything.
Love Your Sweetheart

A Poem by Josh

Quirky kitten from dad: $5 and and a plate of cookies
Kitten booster shot at the vet: $20
Getting kitten fixed: $50
Kitten food & kitten litter: $10
Never having to go to the bathroom alone: PRICELESS

Happy Birthday to my wife

Savannah's Birthday (by Josh)
Today being Savannah's 26th birthday, and since she wrote such a nice blog for my birthday, I thought I would take a moment and say some things about her.
I want everyone to know what a wonderful woman I was lucky enough to marry, she encourages my dreams and helps me where she can in my school work. I would never have even tried to go back to school without her support. She also understands when I need to be doing school work and makes sure that she leaves me quiet time to do that. She likes to have her "be with me" time but she understands that I have things that I need to do and she lets me do it. She is also going to be a great mother. Watching her with children I am so excited for her to have a baby of her own, I can't wait for that to happen for us. She has also brought kittens into my life, which has made me a big old softy. She listens when I need to talk. She can build a roaring fire when the house is cold. She is an excellent cook, which shows in my waist line. She enjoys her "be with me time in the bedroom." She is a wonderful wife and I am the luckiest man in the world to have her.
Happy birthday Love, I love you very much!
Your loving husband,
Josh

Zipper, the cat who gives scaredy cat a whole new meaning

*This blog entry is brought to you by Josh*
I got home from work and noticed the house was cold. So I decided to go downstairs and gathered some wood. I came back upstairs and set the wood down by the fireplace...which scared Zipper.
Zipper was contently napping by the fireplace when I set the wood down. He awoke with a start and stuck his head through the handle of a holiday gift bag laying next to him; this scared him more. So he started to run. He jumped through the legs of the TV table which snagged the bag and scared him again. By now he was in about 6th gear, the bag still connected to his neck.

A small piece tore off and he rocketed behind the recliner where the bag smacked the wall, which scared him more. Like a bullet he shot across the front room, bag still partially in tow, toward the bedroom and the safety of the bed, bits of bag bouncing behind him, which of course, scared him more. All I saw as he came past me, was a white missile rocketing toward the bedroom and apparently one more piece of the bag couldn't hang on anymore and it stopped at my feet.As the Zipp-Zipp rocket speed toward the bedroom I lost sight of him as he dove under the bed, I looked up to see just exactly what happened and saw Pyro sitting calmly in the window with a look on her face like, "Daddy, what's his problem?"

Only when Savannah got home could we catch the startled Zip and remove what was left of the bag from around his neck. He still looks like he may be traumatized.

Josh's Infertility Story (written by Josh)

Hello everyone, I am trying my hand at this blogging thing. I'm pretty technology resistant but after Savannah posted her Infertility journal I felt that I needed to be part of this thing too. I will start off by saying that I am very excited to adopt, maybe even more so than Savannah, I just don't always show emotion as well. That being said let me tell you all my story of our infertility.

In 2005 we decide we are ready to start a family. I could see myself holding a newborn in the hospital, grinning ear to ear, lightly kissing my beautiful wife on the head and beaming with joy. That didn't happen. We tried and nothing, tried again and nothing. I have never done anything harder in the world than to look in Savannah's eyes after a failed pregnancy test; the hurt that was there was slowly killing me. I think deep down I was worried that it was all my fault for not being able to give her children, I felt like a failure as a husband, after every failed test I just wanted to die.

February 2007, I spent my anniversary getting tested, by far the worst test I have ever taken. Savannah took me to Cabela's but deep down I already knew the results and I felt like less of a man at that point in my life. I knew I would fail and that meant that I was a failure as a husband.

March 2007, While driving home from work one night I heard a Hallmark card commercial on the radio about a woman getting a card for her sister who had just adopted a child. It was like I had finally woken up; I knew without a doubt at that point that we would adopt, and all my feelings of being a failure went away. The painful aching hole in my chest didn't hurt quite as bad and I didn't feel like any less of a man. In fact I felt excited, I would get to adopt and that would make our child very special.

Later in March 2007, Test results came back and confirmed what I already knew in my heart, we were going to adopt. I was very excited I couldn't wait and I still can't.

Summer 2007, We attended our very first Birth mother panel and like Savannah has already said it was AWESOME! I had an understanding of what adoption was all about and I could hardly contain myself, we were going to get the chance to have a birth mother of our own and I was very, very happy. Also we attended our first FSA conference, again AWESOME, I can't even put into words the happiness I felt.

Many things have followed since then, Paperwork, home study, and lots of waiting. I am trying to be patient but it is hard sometimes. I don't feel like a failure anymore, but the aching hole is still there in my chest. It will take a successful adoption and hopefully the acceptance of a few people to fill that void. I can't wait to get that call, the one that says we have a baby. I'll yell it out to all the world, grin from ear to ear, and kiss my beautiful wife on the head. I'll feel whole again and I can't wait for that. Anyone can be a parent but only the most special people can be adoptive parents, and only the very most special people can be the birth parents who will make their dreams come true.